You Are Responsible for Protecting Yourself

This post is mostly for the person leaving home for the first time.  

Since it's fall and I worked at a University for many years in the Counseling Center, I find myself thinking of things all students need to know when leaving home for the first time. Also, as hard as I tried to make sure my own children were prepared, I goofed up.  I recall one daughter telling later about her 1st day at Cornell when she finally sat down on a curb in despair because she couldn't figure out how to put her money in a bank. 

It's really hard if you have to learn everything by making mistakes. Everyone has a trail of those behind them. The trick is to make sure you learn as much as you can before you leave home. It will reduce a lot of stress if you arrive knowing how to do your own laundry, make a bed, organize your stuff into small spaces, cook some basics, and are good at saying how you feel and what you want.  And, of course you need to know how to manage your time and your money.   

I remember one student whose mother moved him into his room at the University. She hung frilly curtains, and filled all the drawers and the closet with his clothes neatly, and made his bed with a bed spread that matched the curtains.  When the room mate arrived there wasn't a bit of space left or an opportunity for joint decisions. That kind of night mare happens!!   One liners like "guess you thought you were going to have a single room, what did you think that other bed was for?" probably won't work. So learn how to problem solve before you get there, and how to say what you need and want very clearly. And of course you also need to know how to find out what others want and how to share.

There were always kids every year who had to talk to their mother on the phone every day at least once, and went home every week-end. I suspected that it was more than just having their mom wash their clothes.  Most of those kids didn't make it past the 1st semester. Try to work on independence slowly in high school so you and your parents work up to separation.
 
But there are other areas that are more serious that young men and women need to be prepared for.   And that includes protecting yourself from sexual predators. Read my blog posted on August 24th, it will give you very important information about sexual assault. But it isn't just other students you need to be aware of, it's everyone. First of all trust your own antenna, it will clue you if you listen and trust it. It's the same antenna you used as a little kid that helped you know who you could go to to ask questions about sex.

Most people are there to help you without expecting anything in return, but there is a small percent of people at every level, no matter where you go, that can't be trusted. Learn to listen to your intuition and be prepared with an emergency number on your cell phone, don't hesitate to call for help if you realize you may not be safe. Campus police are usually very responsive.

It would be wise to avoid parties and bars without a posse of trusted friends with you. DO NOT drink or take drugs at parties given by male social groups. One of the current methods of easy assault is to drop a knock out pill into your drink. The other is to accurately assess when you've had a little too much alcohol or drugs so you can no longer defend yourself.

Don't give up when the going is tough, face your fears, and learn how to be smart about protecting yourself. There are always good generous people ready to help you. But if you make a mistake, which we all do, learn from it.  If your bad feelings don't go away within a few days, find a good counselor.  The services are free at all Colleges and Universities counseling centers.

I did not think I would have to deal with empty nest syndrome. I had a very full professional life with challenging, creative work. But when my son, my last child to leave, was ready to go out the door, I panicked. I wanted to throw my arms around his legs and beg him not to go. Of course I hid those feeling, but I now have no doubt about the pain of empty nest syndrome.

Negotiating Differences

In case you think that loving someone means that you will want the same things, at the same time, in the same way. . . I have some bad news for you.  But most things can be worked out, as long as you develop the skills to do that.  They are not learned growing up in most families so nothing is wrong with you if you don't know how.  It just requires learning some basic communication skills and practicing until it becomes an automatic as part of your style.

Basic to all relationships skills is that there is no right or wrong in what a person likes and dislikes, it just is.  So start from that premise, it will keep you from being judgmental…that isn't easy, so struggle with it till you get it!! 

The goal is to get to know the likes and dislikes of your friend/partner/or spouse.  You can never eliminate all differences, nor would you want to, but it helps if you can reduce the number of times you cringe.  You will be learning how to communicate feelings and preferences clearly, with words, out loud!  Then you get to the critical part, negotiating the differences.  

It is awkward at first, like learning to ride a bike.  But once you get the knack, it will become automatic, and makes life more pleasant.

It's also scary, you may find that you have chosen the wrong person!!  Good thing to know actually!!!  On the other hand, if you learn these skills well you may develop a very exciting, rewarding and lasting relationship.  One in which you can trust one another and live with out getting everything you want.  But you'll also know your friend didn't get all they wanted either.

You do know that you will never agree about everything no matter who the partner is…don't you???

Start from the beginning, after you have mutually declared that you like each other and agree to follow these instructions.

Most partners will need and want to know what you like most, but not all at once!   
And they won't want to keep stepping on your pet peeves, that feels terrible.  
The last thing you want to do in a relationship, that has future possibilities, is to give them a list of things that set your teeth on edge.  But your friend really needs that information!   So here is a suggestion that might solve the dilemma. 

Make it into a game.
When the time is right, every night/week/or month set aside 20 minutes for "share time".
*Take turns going first.
* Limit the number of shares to no more than one "what I like", and one "what I don't like". 
*Do not start with personal peeves about the other person, this is a get-acquainted game to help avoid annoyances in the future.  You can get to the personal stuff later, when you have both demonstrated that you can be trusted not to use the game to put the other person down or win.  This is not a contest!!

 Let me see how I feel about that!  is the name of the game.
Write one 'pet peeve' and one 'what I just love" message.  Each of you write on a separate pad of paper. 
Example: 
1st person
-  It annoys me when someone goes outside and doesn't shut the door quickly; that lets flies, bees, and spiders in my house.
+  I love hugs and kisses.
2nd person       
-  It bothers me when someone doesn't do what they say they will, without telling me of a plan change.
+  I love it when someone cooks my favorite meals.

Got it? 

It will be tempting to keep going.  Don't do it.  It is important to process what you just did.  You need to know where the conflicting styles are.  To do that, have each person repeat what they just heard.  Take notes.  You'll be  surprised at how often you and your partner didn't hear or remember accurately .  

Then you need to negotiate the differences. Take turns responding to each share.  For example in response to "love to have someone cook my favorite meal,"  the partner may say "I don't cook and I don't want to learn".  To which the other may say "I love to cook and I will do the cooking" or "I don't either, so lets order in and/or eat out."  The reply may be, "we can't afford that, let's be on our own for breakfast and lunch, and order in or go out for dinner".  "That sounds good, but we'll have to budget it carefully". etc. etc. etc.

Other possible responses to issues: "I'm really glad to know that" or  "I feel exactly the same way!" or "I'm not good at that but I'm willing to learn" or "I'll try that, let me know when I forget".  It doesn't feel good if someone often says  "Oh, you screwed that up"!  After once or twice you may be tempted to put tape over their mouth.  Try a non-verbal sign.

Sometimes a solution can't be found.  Just keep track of the outcome of each conflict negotiated, and don't draw any conclusions yet.  You can come back to it at a later time when you get stuck. 

Some things are not negotiable. If you find that you are unwilling to change, put that item on your nonnegotiable list.  If that is acceptable you are home free.  If, on the other hand, that is also a non-negotiable for the other person then slow down.  Example;  one "likes to binge drink at parties";  their partner says  "that is just something I could not live with."   Better take weeks or months to think and then come back to it.   The drinker may have decided "to go into rehab and give it up".  (see below) If not the other may say  "I'll try to live with it, but every time it happens it will affect my respect for you, and it would be hard to live with you if I don't respect you."

At some point, way down the line, you will have a lot a information.  You'll see how good you each are at negotiating differences, and how often you are willing to compromise creatively.  And you'll know what is non-negotiable for both of you.

It's important to hold the line on your top priorities.  Remember that you were chosen because of your uniqueness, your style, your way of looking at the world.  Your goal is to make it possible for 2 different people to live together in relative peace and comfort most of the time.  Try to respect
the big differences, they can be what makes life most delicious.

At some point, hopefully, way down the line, you may decide that this relationship has enough good stuff to keep going.  And you'll find that saying what you like and don't like, with words, out loud is automatic; and negotiating the differences works well most of the time. Then life together should be fun and rewarding most of the time. 

Your alternative is to suffer in silence every time your pet peeves are stepped on, become a curmudgeon or shrew, or slowly withdraw from each other.  Sometimes one person suffers silently and the other one is oblivious and happy.  Or both bomb out at communicating and negotiating, but are so afraid of being alone that they quietly cling to each other and become alike.        
        _______________________________________
*You need to know what you are dealing with when alcohol or drugs are involved.  If it is a conflict, consult a specialist on addiction.  Did you know that binge drinkers can be alcoholics, even if they seldom do it.  Beer drinkers can also be addicted.

*The first time there is physical abuse find an anger specialist on rage management.  Don't try to do that alone.  It can be treated, but not by you.  Do not assume it will stop, it almost never does, it escalates.

*Do not assume that since you've been together 15 or 40 years that you already know everything you need to know.  You may just have more to work with!

*If your partner is not in touch with their feelings, this game will not work.  If they are willing, a therapist can help them figure out why they are stuffing feelings.  Expressing feelings is learn-able.

The Double Bind

The Double Bind for Women became clear to me one day when I was working at Rutgers.  I was putting up a large contraceptive exhibit when a student wandered in and hoisted herself up on one of the tables where I had put a lot of pamphlets on different contraceptives.   She watched me for a while then I noticed that she was surreptitiously trying to read a pamphlet lying on the table.   I eventually wondered over and said "you can have that if you want".   She jumped off the table and said "Oh No!  I'm not interested, I'm Catholic" and ran down the hall.

Many women are handicapped by a double message that puts them in a psychological double bind.   There are two very strong opposing messages in our society.   Check in with yourself now to see if you are caught by either one.  Sometimes they linger in the place where you store shame.

One is communicated by the media that surrounds us everywhere and gives the message that -to catch the good life, you should look gorgeous and sexually appealing with perfect skin, hair, and bodies; it is more important than anything else to be sexually appealing… so spend your time, thought, and money shopping and tending your appearance.

The other strong message is that sex is a NO NO, don't even think about it.  This is a message communicated most strongly when parents never talk about it.

The question is: should you choose the looking sexy option or should you listen to the No No's as dictated by church and parents…don't see, feel or think about sex?  This double bind is very powerful for women and affects them in many ways. The down side is that women sacrifice an important part of themselves no matter which choice they make.

If your mother (parents) think they are protecting you by pretending you aren't a sexual being, you need to let them know, very carefully and gently, "that won't work today"  (I doubt if it ever did).  Gently let them know that you need to have information about your body in order to develop a healthy self image and to protect yourself.  Guilt and shame will prevent you from doing a good job of either of those.  

You could invite your mother to accompany you to the gynecologist!  But remember, you are looking for a win win, not the 3rd world war, tread carefully.  In her heart she will probably be so relieved, she really doesn't want you to be vulnerable to all the things she is afraid of. That may or may not help her.  Just keep trying very gently. She is the only mother you get.

If you choose the SEXY option, you might actually believe that there is gold at the end of that rainbow. . . that is sure what the media is selling!!  It may be true for a very very few women….for a while.  But women's appearance has a short shelf life.  Then you need to have other things you are passionate about, like a career, children….. global warming.  

It's good to get a running start at that early in your life, though what ever you have left will also work.  Your goal is to become your best self.  Figuring out what your interests and strengths are, your talents, passions, and values--all of that will develop into your self concept, who you are.  You can begin very young, and it takes as long as it takes, and often changes as you get older, so hang loose.  This is the only life you get.  It can be much more rewarding if you diversify.  

A silent epidemic is threatening our society

As a Marriage and Family Therapist for 30 years,  I am totally convinced that both men and women yearn for a partner with whom they can share their lives.  They want more than anything to be loved for who they are, and love another equally, I think.

That goal will become more and more elusive if the present trend of  sexual violence continues.  Sexual violence has become part of the norm in this country and now represents a mental health, medical, and legal crisis, that threatens loving intimate relationships as well of the health of our entire society. 

Data from the Women's Foundation of Colorado's 2013 report revealed that, of women over 18, one in four (an estimated 415,000 women) had been raped.  Almost twice that many (870,000) experienced sexual violence other than rape, and 10% of the High School girls reported being forced to have sex (rape).  The damage done is reaching epidemic levels across the country.  

This is made more critical because of the state of our penal system where over 3 million are incarcerated, way more than any other country.  In our justice system it happens too often that guilty white, wealthy people are found innocent when they are quilty; while black/brown poor people who are innocent are found guilty. One of every 3 black boys will end up incarcerated, equaling more blacks than were owned during slavery.

Jon Krakauer, in his book, Missoula, reported that "eighty present of victims are raped by someone they know".  A rapist can be your doctor, your boss, your clergyman/priest, your teacher, your partner, your lover, your husband, your friend or your date. The 20 percent, who are unknown to the victim, may to be composed of serial rapists who roam our country raping and brutalizing thousands and thousands of women and children.   About 3% of all rapists are caught and incarcerated for a few years and released.  There are 170 such registered sex offenders living in my little community of 70,000 in Colorado, according to the Coloradoan Newspaper. 

I'm not talking about the fumbling, scary period during the early teens when both young girls and boys are attempting to figure out how to communicate their longing and often fail to communicate clearly before they get the hang of it.  With no intention of forcing or hurting each other, they may misjudge.  That is the reason for statutory rape laws, to protect children under the age of consent. 

Too often there is a wink and nod when it becomes known that a woman is raped, which we see most clearly in male fraternities, courts, and news reports.  Like "we all know it's what a woman really wants."  Let me tell you very clearly that is not what women want any more than men want to be raped.   It is an experience that diminishes their lives, often for ever, and therefore their ability to totally share themselves in a loving relationship.

It is estimated that 54% of women do not report being raped.  I believe that because I can't remember that any of the women who have told me about their rape experience had reported it to the police.  Even more silent is male rape.  We've known about male rape in prisons and the military services, but in the research I did at Rutger's in the 70's and 80's, I was shocked when 14% of the men had been raped in a population of 25,000 undergraduates.  More research on male rape is greatly needed.

Psychological damage includes:
* seriously damaged self concept
* clinical depression, often for years
* impaired social ability
* ruined or diminished career
* profound guilt and shame (women have traditionally been blamed)
Physical results include;
* bodily injury
* contracting HIV or other sexual transmitted decease (STD's)
* pregnancy 
Then the trauma continues:
- If a person reports the rape, they are often treated with disrespect by policemen.
- They are then sent to a Hospital to have the evidence collected in a Rape Kit. That process sometimes feels like they are being raped again. 
- Then they are charged up to $2000 by the hospital. Rape Kits, and tests for STD's are often not covered by insurance.
- If it is a Catholic hospital a woman will not be given the morning after pill.
- Then the police may choose not to send the Rape Kit to be analyzed to get the DNA for a conviction, but instead they are put in a store room. According to the Attorney General in 2014 there were 400,000+  Rape Kits, not analyzed, in such store rooms in this country's police stations. Think about that!
- If the rapist is caught, which about 3% are, and it goes to trial, it is another huge trauma for a woman who can seldom convince anyone that she was forced.   
- She then has to deal with the legal costs.
- If she is impregnated she has to decide: adoption, abortion, or becoming a mother when that is the last thing she needs or wants.  Also, according to Esther Suckerman on the web,  31 states allow a rapists custody and visitation rights of the child.

- I had a opportunity to speak with a staff member from a prison for rapists, they were successfully treating them to help them heal. He said that a high percent of them had been sexually abused as children.

Equality = relationship changes

My grand mother, whom I grew up with, was born in the 1850's, that takes me very personally back to the era of Abraham Lincoln!!!  That realization was an epiphany for me.  This was the time when American women started to ask for voting rights.  They were asking to share power. They didn't get the vote until 1920.

This was the beginning of the tsunami that began to hit individuals, couples and family relationships.  A transition from the time when men owned their wives and children, and were the sole owners of all family property. They provided for their family; killed rattle snakes, bears and wolves who threatened their families.  They controlled decisions in the family, community, state and federal government.  Men built a railroad across the country in 5 years, fought 2 world wars, and settled the country.

During those 150 + years women have slowly begun to share the power. It is no wonder that there are many areas where there is still a lot of resistance, resentment, and much to learn for both men and women.  In the long run it will be a win win.

When I look at individuals, couples, and family relationships with a wide lens of this period of time I can see communication difficulties more clearly and I can be more patient.

Example
When a woman comes home from work very upset, she may want to tell her partner about it.  A male's knee jerk reaction is to fix it, that's what he has done for generations, it's in his bones.  He may tell her what she should have done, or get angry at the person who insulted her.  Or even get angry at her for her part in it.

But what she had wanted was to share her feelings, to have him just "get" what she is feeling.  So she feels disappointed.  He feels resentful and unappreciated.  And neither of them have any idea that this is some of the spin off of traditions from a male dominated society.  We are still trying to learn new skills that work better in a society where men and women are more equal. It's a process, and sometimes a very painful one.

The good news is that these are skills that can be learned.  We know that because we've already learned so much.