Negotiating Differences

In case you think that loving someone means that you will want the same things, at the same time, in the same way. . . I have some bad news for you.  But most things can be worked out, as long as you develop the skills to do that.  They are not learned growing up in most families so nothing is wrong with you if you don't know how.  It just requires learning some basic communication skills and practicing until it becomes an automatic as part of your style.

Basic to all relationships skills is that there is no right or wrong in what a person likes and dislikes, it just is.  So start from that premise, it will keep you from being judgmental…that isn't easy, so struggle with it till you get it!! 

The goal is to get to know the likes and dislikes of your friend/partner/or spouse.  You can never eliminate all differences, nor would you want to, but it helps if you can reduce the number of times you cringe.  You will be learning how to communicate feelings and preferences clearly, with words, out loud!  Then you get to the critical part, negotiating the differences.  

It is awkward at first, like learning to ride a bike.  But once you get the knack, it will become automatic, and makes life more pleasant.

It's also scary, you may find that you have chosen the wrong person!!  Good thing to know actually!!!  On the other hand, if you learn these skills well you may develop a very exciting, rewarding and lasting relationship.  One in which you can trust one another and live with out getting everything you want.  But you'll also know your friend didn't get all they wanted either.

You do know that you will never agree about everything no matter who the partner is…don't you???

Start from the beginning, after you have mutually declared that you like each other and agree to follow these instructions.

Most partners will need and want to know what you like most, but not all at once!   
And they won't want to keep stepping on your pet peeves, that feels terrible.  
The last thing you want to do in a relationship, that has future possibilities, is to give them a list of things that set your teeth on edge.  But your friend really needs that information!   So here is a suggestion that might solve the dilemma. 

Make it into a game.
When the time is right, every night/week/or month set aside 20 minutes for "share time".
*Take turns going first.
* Limit the number of shares to no more than one "what I like", and one "what I don't like". 
*Do not start with personal peeves about the other person, this is a get-acquainted game to help avoid annoyances in the future.  You can get to the personal stuff later, when you have both demonstrated that you can be trusted not to use the game to put the other person down or win.  This is not a contest!!

 Let me see how I feel about that!  is the name of the game.
Write one 'pet peeve' and one 'what I just love" message.  Each of you write on a separate pad of paper. 
Example: 
1st person
-  It annoys me when someone goes outside and doesn't shut the door quickly; that lets flies, bees, and spiders in my house.
+  I love hugs and kisses.
2nd person       
-  It bothers me when someone doesn't do what they say they will, without telling me of a plan change.
+  I love it when someone cooks my favorite meals.

Got it? 

It will be tempting to keep going.  Don't do it.  It is important to process what you just did.  You need to know where the conflicting styles are.  To do that, have each person repeat what they just heard.  Take notes.  You'll be  surprised at how often you and your partner didn't hear or remember accurately .  

Then you need to negotiate the differences. Take turns responding to each share.  For example in response to "love to have someone cook my favorite meal,"  the partner may say "I don't cook and I don't want to learn".  To which the other may say "I love to cook and I will do the cooking" or "I don't either, so lets order in and/or eat out."  The reply may be, "we can't afford that, let's be on our own for breakfast and lunch, and order in or go out for dinner".  "That sounds good, but we'll have to budget it carefully". etc. etc. etc.

Other possible responses to issues: "I'm really glad to know that" or  "I feel exactly the same way!" or "I'm not good at that but I'm willing to learn" or "I'll try that, let me know when I forget".  It doesn't feel good if someone often says  "Oh, you screwed that up"!  After once or twice you may be tempted to put tape over their mouth.  Try a non-verbal sign.

Sometimes a solution can't be found.  Just keep track of the outcome of each conflict negotiated, and don't draw any conclusions yet.  You can come back to it at a later time when you get stuck. 

Some things are not negotiable. If you find that you are unwilling to change, put that item on your nonnegotiable list.  If that is acceptable you are home free.  If, on the other hand, that is also a non-negotiable for the other person then slow down.  Example;  one "likes to binge drink at parties";  their partner says  "that is just something I could not live with."   Better take weeks or months to think and then come back to it.   The drinker may have decided "to go into rehab and give it up".  (see below) If not the other may say  "I'll try to live with it, but every time it happens it will affect my respect for you, and it would be hard to live with you if I don't respect you."

At some point, way down the line, you will have a lot a information.  You'll see how good you each are at negotiating differences, and how often you are willing to compromise creatively.  And you'll know what is non-negotiable for both of you.

It's important to hold the line on your top priorities.  Remember that you were chosen because of your uniqueness, your style, your way of looking at the world.  Your goal is to make it possible for 2 different people to live together in relative peace and comfort most of the time.  Try to respect
the big differences, they can be what makes life most delicious.

At some point, hopefully, way down the line, you may decide that this relationship has enough good stuff to keep going.  And you'll find that saying what you like and don't like, with words, out loud is automatic; and negotiating the differences works well most of the time. Then life together should be fun and rewarding most of the time. 

Your alternative is to suffer in silence every time your pet peeves are stepped on, become a curmudgeon or shrew, or slowly withdraw from each other.  Sometimes one person suffers silently and the other one is oblivious and happy.  Or both bomb out at communicating and negotiating, but are so afraid of being alone that they quietly cling to each other and become alike.        
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*You need to know what you are dealing with when alcohol or drugs are involved.  If it is a conflict, consult a specialist on addiction.  Did you know that binge drinkers can be alcoholics, even if they seldom do it.  Beer drinkers can also be addicted.

*The first time there is physical abuse find an anger specialist on rage management.  Don't try to do that alone.  It can be treated, but not by you.  Do not assume it will stop, it almost never does, it escalates.

*Do not assume that since you've been together 15 or 40 years that you already know everything you need to know.  You may just have more to work with!

*If your partner is not in touch with their feelings, this game will not work.  If they are willing, a therapist can help them figure out why they are stuffing feelings.  Expressing feelings is learn-able.