REDUCE CONFLICT --- GET TO THE JOY!

We all grow up with a list of do's and don’ts in our head.  Then we choose a partner and are surprised to find that our partner didn’t grow up with the same list!!  The differences in our basic expectations are not always easy to talk about. For example, eating with your mouth open, not flushing, burping, creating chaos when doing a project, not showering often.

There are so many issues that can get under our skin that may result in our withdrawing, criticizing or judging one another. This can slowly erode good feelings. I’d like to propose a way to deal with those issues.

First
Both of you need to agree to commit to at least 2 sessions before throwing in the towel.  It’s hard to see the value of it for your relationship in a short time period.  

Now
Select a time when you are both free for at least 3 hours.  Arrange for children to be with relatives or a sitter—out of the house.  Put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door and turn off your phones.

Each of you choose a private cozy spot in the house and go there with a note book and pens. Get comfortable and clear your mind of your To-Do List.  Write PRIVATE on the cover of your note-book and decide where you will keep it safe.  Make a pledge that you will never ever read each other’s notebook!!

Now make a list of the things your partner does that are not comfortable for you. If it makes you cringe write it down…EVERYTHING!!

When you are finished go to the living room and wait patiently for your partner.  Flip a coin to see who goes first and read one thing from your list. Describe the item and your reaction to it clearly.
Example
“You eat with your mouth open very often and I find that very uncomfortable.”

Responses may range from:
“I didn’t know I do that!  Thank you for telling me.  I will try very hard not to do that and you can signal me if I forget”.
To
“No, I don’t!!!

If you get a response like this last one, mark the issue as unresolved in your book.  Don’t discuss it further at this time. Instead select another item on your list to deal with.  Continue taking turns until you each have one or two items that you will be working on.

Some time later you may both have an issue you don’t want to deal with.  See if you can make a trade and both of you try to resolve your difficult issue in one session.

With time and practice you will become so skilled that the process will become smoother and easier, and there will be fewer issues to address as you whittle down your lists. However you will always have new ones to add.  Don’t be surprised if one of your lists is much longer than the other one, that may change as you work together.

This is all about being creative!
Give time and space for your partner to try and resolve their own issue, don’t try to help!!  Go slow, do not expect to resolve all issues at once.  It is not a race. When we spend 20 or 30 years doing something one way, it is hard to do it differently.  Be patient with each other!  Give lots of time and space. Observe without comment, then put the issue back on your list and bring it up at a future session if you see no progress.

The End of Each Session

• Tell your partner something you admire about them.
• Now tell them something they did that you appreciated this month.
• Spend the rest of your privacy time having fun together.

Put your next session in your date books.

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If you have decided this is not for you

Be aware of what you do instead of doing the exercises, 

such as—nag—hold grudges—withdraw—build anger—feel depressed—judge—or withhold love.

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Managing All the Big Stuff

This is a once a-year session to do after the others sessions are comfortable.

Go back to your cozy private places with your notebooks and 3 colored pencils.  Make a new section in your note-book and label it “The Big Stuff”.  Relax and get comfortable. Make a list of all things that need management in your home and family life. When you finish, join your partner at a table. Combine your lists so you end up with one complete list.  Now both of you check each item with colored pencils:
1. Like doing,    2. Don't like doing,   3. Feel ill equipped to do

Now divide all the jobs so that you each have about the same number in each category.  You will get some jobs you hate, some you like, and some you have to learn.

At the end of a year do it again, dividing the tasks differently.  That way you both will eventually become skilled in each category.  There may be a time when you will have to carry the whole load for a while.  It’s much better to feel competent for emergencies.  You may also appreciate each other more. Don’t be afraid to hire someone to help you when you need it.  (They can also be good teachers and helpers in an emergency.)

If you have children, start early to make a category for each of them, so that by the time they leave home they know how to take care of themselves. Start a small allowance early so they learn to deal with money.

Some ideas of what to include.   (besides childcare and jobs)  Income (budgeting, bill paying); Living Quarters (decorating, cleaning, caring for); Transportation (caring for cars): Food (planning, buying, cooking, clean up); Yard (planning, planting, caring for); Vacations (where, when, how);  Talking and visiting time; Giving/Donating (money and time outside the family); Larger family activities; Relaxing and playing; Monitor sound and temperature in home/car.

Make sure that you both get about the same amount of work. Grade each task for time and energy. A given task may require a different level of time and energy for one of you than for the other, this becomes part of the negotiation.  Optimum love making (hire a good licensed sex therapist if needed)

Add your own items to make this fit your family. Decide when you will up-date this plan.  Put it in your date books.

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If you have comments or suggestions please write a note. Click the "No Comments" or Comments link on the following line.

SELF IN RELATIONSHIP WORKSHOP

I was hired as a Marriage Counselor at a University with 25,000 students. I spent a year counseling students, until I was clearer about the gaps in their knowledge about relationships. Then I designed a weekend workshop, attended by 300 students at a time every semester.  I called it THE SELF IN RELATIONSHIPS WORKSHOP.  

Student’s paid a small fee of $3.00 and filled out an anonymous questionnaire with 92 questions. Then, I had the funds to hire good speakers as well as more information about students’ knowledge gaps.  For example, did they know how babies are made, and what were their contraceptive practices?  I was surprised to find that some males didn’t know how babies were made, and many females weren't using contraceptives, one got an abortion when she got pregnant. It occurred to me to ask if they had ever been raped. I almost didn’t include the question because I didn’t think it was a major problem, but then decided to put it in. It was the most shocking result of all: 23% of women and 14 % of men had been raped (penetration of an orefice of your body without your permission.)  And that was consistent over the next decade as I gave the workshop.

I organized a small committee consisting of students, faculty, and staff. They met with me regularly and I ran all plans and problems past them.  This was in the 1970’s and ’80 at the beginning of the sexual revolution when people did not talk about sex.

I gave this workshop for the next decade to over 7000 students. We learned together!  Even though I was married with 3 children, was trained as a Marriage Therapist, with a masters from Columbia University, I was not comfortable talking about sex myself. When I was growing up I never heard the word SEX spoken out-loud, it was a big taboo to talk about.  Therefore, after deciding to do the workshop I contacted Masters and Johnson at their Institute on Human Sexuality in St. Louis, and arranged to fly out to take a week long training program. It was very effective and made a huge difference in my comfort level.

At the end of each workshop every participant filled out an anonymous questionnaire to let us know what had been most important to them and what needed improvement. So by the time I retired, the worship had slowly improved.

Here are details of the program. It is very important for the more than 70 million students in this country to have this opportunity.  The most important addition I think, is that coming parents need to protect their future kids from watching violence in the media and in their games. It’s awful for little boys to plays games in which they kill 100 people before they goes to school each day, or for girls to practice being beautiful in order to feel worth while. It starts that early!!!

For people designing a workshop today it’s very important to look at current societal problems affecting students lives and program to them.Today rape and violence are major, how to protect their future children from watching violence and sex in the media, it is very destructive to them and our society.

PROGRAM DESIGN

Presentations

Late Friday afternoon and evening
Love and Marriage in History - lecture was given by a history professor

Movie on Birth - “How Life Begins”.  This movie was made E.R. doctor.  It is beautiful and powerful.

Saturday morning
Male Sexuality - lecture given by the Chairman of the Human Sexuality Dept. at N.Y.U.

Female Sexuality - lecture given by Doctoral Student at Dept. of Human Sexuality at N.Y.U.

(The men then met alone with the male presenter and the females met with the female speaker
to give opportunity for more question and answers.)

Saturday afternoon
Panel of men on Alternate Life Styles, sharing their problems in “coming out”. (At that time we were unable to find women willing to be on the panel)

Slide Presentation - how Females learn to present themselves as attractive and desirable

Slide Presentation - how Males learn to appear strong, remote, and unfeeling.  (Today they are also taught to be VIOLENT!)

Both of these presenters had 3 slide projectors showing hundreds of snap shots of magazine and poster ads for one hours.   Then volunteers came on stage, (we turned out the lights, and gave them microphones) they talked about their feelings about the presentation.  Some men were in tears and expressed their anger for having been taught to be remote and unfeeling.  Women were astounded that their main goal was to look beautiful.

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One Hour in small Rap Groups after every presentation
Every participant was assigned to a rap group that met in private (50 classrooms) for 1 hour after each presentation with, 4 males and 4 female students and a Rap Leader.  They discussed what they got from each presentation and how they felt about it.  (Couples were not allowed to be in the same rap group.)

I found that the rap group sessions were essential, that’s where they learned to communicate feelings. I trained 50 rap leaders (graduate students) every semester.  They were as naive as the undergrads were, and as I had been.

Food services provided box lunches each day to be eaten during rap group time.

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As they left Saturday evening they were given a 3-page questionnaire that was copied from a Dating Service to define what qualities they desired in a partner.  They were instructed to fill it out and bring it with them Sunday morning.

Sunday Morning
I took the stage starting by saying that one of the female participants had shared her questionnaire with me.  I then asked all the males to stand.  “She is allergic to smoke, please sit down if you smoke.  She is a tennis player and would love a partner to share that.  If you don’t play tennis, please sit down. I never got past 5 or 6 factors before all men was sitting.  Then I asked females to stand and got the same result. My hope was that they would then know in their bones, that relationships can only work if they learn to communicate and negotiate differences.

Then I invited them to hold up their hands if they had a problem that they wanted help with. For example, one young man held up his hand and said, “I have trouble liking myself sometimes.”  As I worked with him I saw faces around the auditorium light up.  Then an angry young woman stood and said “you should not help him like himself until he is perfect!! I then worked with her. And so it went for 2 more hours.

Sunday Afternoon
The whole afternoon was spent in rap groups. I designed exercises for them to do so they could practice communicating how they feel and what they want, and then practice negotiating differences.   i.e.  what, where, how to eat; preferred air in bedroom at night; favorite ways to spend leisure time; how much time with their families; favorite home decor; touches you love and dislike; what is your favorite and least favorite music; how much alone time do you need, who will do what house work; how would you decorate your living quarters; how do you play and relax; how much alone time and where?   etc. etc.

Before they left everyone filled out an evaluation with suggestions to improve the workshop.

Exhibit on Contraception
A man from Johnson and Johnson Corp. helped me design a large exhibit called Sperm + Egg = Baby. It was 3 large connected metal panels with the major contraceptives described on the backs of the panels.  Sperm +Egg = Baby was in large colorful soft sculptures along the top rather than in words. The side panels swung forward to form a stage for a life sized man and women, wire sculptures, that stood in the center. The exhibit was placed in an empty class room with tables filled with a variety of pamphlets on contraception for students to choose from and take.

Giving At-Risk Children A Chance!! Part One

Part One

The first job I got after getting a graduate degree,  I was in a school system where the Superintendent of Schools hired me to evaluate 72 of their most problematic students and find solutions.

They were mostly poor and black. “Maybe some teachers in this middle-class, white community are uncomfortable with them,” I thought.  So, the first year I arranged to pay teachers to spend time with each child after school and then drive them home, once a week. They would meet the family and see how they lived. The plan failed. Half the teachers improved and half declined in comfort level.

The poverty in these families was profound!  I applied for federal grants, and the Superintendent provided a wing of a school.  I enrolled 50 children above 3 yrs. old, from the families of these 72 students, for an all day, year-round, preschool program. My goal was to prepare them for 1st grade, ready to succeed. They were undernourished, had rotten teeth, and lacked experience for learning to read. The next year I included the 3-year-olds, hoping to prevent the damage, and found they were in the same condition. I hired as many mothers as I could raise money for, to be teacher aides, cooks, and drivers, starting with the ones whose children were most needy.  The best teachers I could find were hired, to provide rich classroom programs. Some were experienced nursery school teachers. The teachers had to be as good at demonstrating good parenting skills to mother/aides as they were at teaching the children. They observed that some aides were learning to read along with the kids. We provided transportation, breakfast- lunch-two snacks, health care, as well as many exciting learning experiences.

Each summer we had the use of that whole school building and enrolled the older siblings up to age twelve, including many from the original list of 72. They were much harder to teach, because they had not done well in school and were defensive. A friend with a swimming pool, who was supportive of our program, let us use her pool, and they learned to swim.  After that success, they were more willing to take more chances learning to read, write and do math.

Each child was examined by our Doctor on site every year, with their mother present, if possible. They were also examined by our eye doctor and dentist. When the children were found to need more treatment, they were taken to the doctor’s offices.

One of several local volunteers was a blind teenager. She took the most non-verbal kids, in small groups, for walks in the woods, saying “tell me what you see”. They were eager to tell her.  When they got back to the school, each child stood beside her and described their walk as she typed what they said.  She then made a book A Walk in the Woods  with the author’s name on the cover. Those children then learned to read from their own books in class.

One little girl, about five years old, refused to eat. Her concerned teacher tried everything she could think of and then consulted me. We talked and thought about it a long time. Finally, I suggested that she try letting her take a lunch home with her if she eats her lunch here.  She then gobbled her food.  She had been taking her food home for her family, who must have been very hungry.

I loved visiting classrooms. One day I asked a teacher “what’s the big bowl of soapy water with an egg beater for”?  “When Sean arrives, he beats it furiously until he can calm down enough to join the class activity,” she said.  Another insightful teacher asked a very shy mother aide to go the front and teach how to tell time. All the kids had made paper clocks with moveable hands.  She nervously walked to the front and shyly said “put the hands at the time when we have breakfast”, they all did it quickly.  “That is 8:30,” she said.  “Now put the hands at the time when we have snack,” “That is 10:30.” By the time she took them through lunch and afternoon snack, they had all learned to tell time.

It is hard to learn to share and negotiate. One day I was talking to a teacher on the playground when 4-year-old Hazel came to her screaming and said, “Derek won't let me ride the tricycle!”  The teacher squatted down, held her, and said “tell Derek you’d like to have a turn? “ Hazel happily skipped off.  When I turned around, she had him around the throat, shaking him. We spent time and energy teaching them negotiating skills. And when they got to 1st grade, they were better at it than the other kids, according to one of their 1st grade teachers.

Continue to part two on the next blog

Giving At-Risk Children A Chance!! Part Two

PART TWO


When one four-year-old-boy entered the program l found him so disturbed that I didn’t think we could take him. I had never seen a child with such a severe problem. He hit, kicked, spit at, or bit, anyone who came near him.  But his teacher did not want to give up on him.  She gave him a secured corner of the class room.  After noticing he was fond of a red truck she put toys and food in the truck and pushed the truck toward him.  I have a wonderful picture of him sitting on her lap smiling, which I took about a year later.  A home visit found his aunt who had custody of him, she picked vegetables on a farm. She had no one to look after him and shut him in a closet while she worked, to keep him safe.  I felt sure that if that teacher had not insisted on keeping him, he would have ended up in an institution.

The mother first selected as an aide was a 28 years old with 8 children. The four oldest were in special ed classes in school.  She couldn’t participate unless we took her toddler. The child wasn’t walking so a crib found.  She couldn’t hold her bottle or roll over, and cried all day. I placed the mother as the nurse's assistant, because I didn’t think she would do well in a classroom.  But I couldn’t stand listening to the child crying and found a good nursery for her, wondering if there was some kind of inherited retardation in this family.  

When I visited the little girl several months later, to my shock she was standing at a low table, putting a puzzle together!  A home visit was made.  The mother came to the door with a thick leather strap around her neck that was about 6 ft. long.  That’s how she apparently controlled all her kids.  Once we found a cause of the children's retarded development, we gave the mother more opportunities to learn parenting skills. In the next two years her 4 older kids were retested and put in regular classrooms in school.  She eventually bought an old car with the money she made in our program, got her teeth fixed, and got a job. Her kids were all behaving more like those in their age groups.

Visiting with one of the gentle older mothers, who also had 8 kids, I asked if she was planning to have more children. She said, “No, I had a dream that I wouldn’t”.  Planned Parenthood was invited to come for two sessions with the mothers and their oldest girls to teach contraceptive methods. I could hear them from my office having a marvelous time.

A talented woman was hired as food service director in the summers.  She was a professor of Home Economics at Douglas College and was a marvelous trainer for the 4 mothers placed in the kitchen as cooks.  On the first day they learned to use all the big equipment in the school kitchen and served breakfast and lunch to 250 students and staff.  I bought 4 rebuilt, table top sewing machines for $10 each, a pile of cloth on sale, and put it all in an empty room next to the kitchen. She then taught them to sew during their breaks and they bought the machines at the end of the summer.

Two black High School drama teachers were hired as classroom teachers. They were very successful with the older kids.  One day they announced to all the older kids that they were going on a very long journey, and had kids lay on the floor and close their eyes. They dramatically told the story about their ancestors, who had been kidnapped from their villages in Africa. They were then forced to walk many miles through the jungle in chains, and were held in a prison on a coast. Later they were boarded on ships and were chained to the floor of a lower deck, and endured the long turbulent journey to America.  

When they arrived, they were each put on an auction block, often nude, and sold to the highest bidder.  Their lives in the south, from then on, were spent working in the fields for very long hours in the hot southern sun. They were often tied to a stake and whipped, and sometimes killed for small infractions.  Some women were raped by the owners. Those who survived this inhuman treatment, held their families together the best they could from 1619 to 1865, when the war between the southern states and the northern states ended slavery.  Over the next decades after the north won that war, black people were given the right to vote, own property, and get an education. 

The drama teachers described how, over the next century, black people became outstanding doctors, educators, scientists, and succeeded in many professions.  Some provided moral leadership not only in this country, but in the whole world. However, In spite of this success, distrust and discrimination still plagues our country and diminishes the health of our democracy for everyone. That is the outline of the journey which took a long time, with a lot of detail. As I watched the children laying on the floor, I worried about the effect it was having, It is such a long, grim and painful story of their past.  But those two teachers knew what they were doing and afterward, those kids all stood taller with more self-confidence.

In the summer program, a boy who had been one of the original, and had thrown a chair at his teacher, was found, by the eye doctor to have a very serious vision problem. Once found, it was successfully treated.  Several years after the program closed, I saw his mother in the super market and she told me that he had done very well in high school, and had been chosen by the famous New York City based Alvin Alley Dance Co. to be a summer intern. That mother became such a good teacher aide that after 5 years in our program, she competed successfully for a job as an aide in a regular school class room.

After Nixon became president, all of the Federal Funds changed to benefit those with “educational” deficits, and our funding disappeared. I went to Washington to see if I could get appointments with Congressmen to convince them that it is much less expensive and more effective to treat problems at an early age. I failed to find anyone interested. Both ETS and a Sociology Professor at Princeton University participated in evaluating the results of our Program.
                                           
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This program improved school for everyone in this system over the following years.

You can imagine the chaos and strain those 72 kids had put on that whole school system!
As a result of this program, In the following year there was:
    Far less stress on all class room teachers and other staff.
    Improved opportunity for attention and learning for all children in classrooms.
    A reduced need for special teachers, money saved.  ETC.
    
The problems in schools today are far worse, since prices for food, rent, and health care are so high, many more people are falling into poverty, and then the virus hit! The added stress and violence is so high in schools that many teachers are retiring early and others leaving the profession. In addition it’s harder to find new qualified teachers.

There could be a program like this in every community in the country!  You can quickly find the needy preschoolers by identifying their siblings in school who aren’t doing well.  It is expensive in the short run, but improves the effectiveness and functioning of the whole system.

It’s time to make “healing” a goal for schools, police departments, and prisons, as well as U. S. Congress, as they do their jobs. We need to prevent further damage from being inflicted.  Our country has a history of discrimination and violence, that is getting much worse. If we don’t change that, we may lose our democracy.  What could be a more important?

Post Script

I am dyslexic, and my mother, a teacher, was embarrassed that I couldn’t read, and lamented out loud, “how could I have a dumb kid like you!”? So I learned to hide as I went through schools. As a result I don’t remember ever being in a classroom K through Grad. School at Columbia, it was very painful!  However, Miss Rose related to me in 6th grade, and I then developed sensitivity and creativity, and found that I could identify problems and find creative ways to solve them.

After I married and had children my husband taught me to read and write. I’ve been an avid reader since then. When he died at 32 years old, I became the bread winner. I frankly knew next to nothing about education when I took this job. But I could spot a good teacher and I hired an outstanding staff. Then we all listened, watched and as we worked together we learned from everyone and we created a very warm, healing school.

I’ll be forever grateful to my kids Cris and John for reading, editing, and making recommendations for the clarity of this entry.

Schools don't have to solve enormous problems...

Schools don't have to solve enormous problems (lack of funds and not enough good teachers) before responding to the needs of children.

My last job in a 22-year career of working in schools, pre-school through University, was in the coldest, most dysfunctional school I'd ever been in. One day after observing a teacher physically abuse a 3rd grade boy in the hall, I decided to see if I do could something.  

 I asked the secretary in the main office to give me a printout of all the kids in the school who rated highest on 5 factors:  
     *Missed more than 10 days of school a year
     *Reading below grade level
     *Qualified for free lunch
     *Sent to the vice principal for behavior more than twice a year
     *Had a serious health problem.
I selected sixty-five kids at the top of the list on the printout.

Then I sent a letter to every employee from janitors to Superintendent, asking them if they wanted to be a Big Buddy to a student for one year.  Amazingly the result was close to the number of Little Buddies selected.  

I sent letters to the Little Buddies and their parents for their permission to participate. Then sent letters to the Big Buddies to welcome them, and give them the name and classroom of their Little Buddy.  I suggested that they arrange to meet once a week for an hour, in a classroom with the door open, and have fun!  I never met with anyone, they were on their own.

At the end of the year, I sent a simple note asking Big Buddies if they would like to continue another year - everyone did.  I also asked them to evaluate the experience on a simple scale, all rated it high. (The assumption I’d made turned
out to be correct: good teachers love children and crave the opportunity to be with them one on one where they can impact their lives more powerfully.)x

I then sat down with each child and had them rate having an ice cream cone on a scale of 1 to 5. They all rated it a 5.  I then asked them to rate their experience of being a Little Buddy.  They also all rated it a 5 and wanted to continue next year.

I compared the kids’ attendance records and reading scores for changes from the previous year.  I don't remember those details (it was many years ago)  but theresults were very impressive. I recall one 4th grader who went from reading at at 2nd grade level to a 4th-grade level.

Before I met with the children, the principal came to my office to apologize
because he had not had time to meet with his Little Buddy all year.  I was devastated and dreaded meeting with that little boy!  When that boy rated being a Little Buddy a 5, I said "tell me about that”.  He enthusiastically said, "Every time I saw the Principal in the hall - he smiled at me!"

I wrote a report describing the program and the results, and sent it to the Superintendent.  He didn't respond, but I suspect the superintendent wanted to
share it with other schools, since I was made the School Social Worker of the Year in the State. I observed that our school atmosphere was much warmer than it had been.

Lack of "alone time" leads to conflict!

    Many of us believe that when we fall in love, we should want to be with that person all the time. However, all people need alone time.

    Alone time is a basic need like food, and the lack of it can cause stress. It can be so distressing that we will lie, get sick, manipulate, create a fight, or explode. Then of course we get to be alone. But that price is too high. It can be flipped! 

    Examine your relationship together. Are one or both of you aware of your normal need for alone time? Have you been successful getting the alone time you need by letting your partner know? If not, you can negotiate it with each other, without resentment.

    Don't be surprised if your needs are very different from each other. That is most often the case.

    Shooting hoops alone for an hour when you arrive home from work may do it for you. Or you may need time in a room alone for several hours. The options are endless. If you work with people all day, you may be desperate for 'alone time'. Or if you work alone, you may crave company. That difference can cause havoc if not acknowledged and scheduled.

    No one can help you figure out your need, or how to meet it. You will know when you get it right because you'll feel so much better about yourself and your partner/family. Once you accomplish that, it will be easier to let each other know when you have an emergency, a desperate need for 'alone time' now!

    Or, you could be in a real miss-match, where one person wants to be with you two hours a week, while you want time together each day. Very good to know! You may want to stay friends and look for a more compatible person to be with.