Healing from a childhood abuse.

 This is the final edition of Missing Pieces! I realized, at age 70, that I had no memory of being inside my home, where I grew up, or ever being inside a school classroom. I began to write then, and have continued over the last 24 years, as one painful memory after another was remembered. It was a successful process and I am now free of those negative messages.

The second part of my book is about the programs I designed and ran over a 25 year period in public schools. The Self and Relationships Workshop that I gave at Rutgers University was taken by 7,000 college students and could be a model for all universities. The Little Buddy Program is very much needed right now with 'kids at risk' coming back to school after the depths of the pandemic. It costs nothing and is easy to administer: it had a big impact on all of the children who participated.

Missing Pieces and Blending and Re-Blending are now available to listen to on Audible! The books are also on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Missing-Pieces-Healing-Memoir-Dyslexic/dp/B09LGLN34T/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3VUQP8ZG9DCL7&keywords=missing+pieces+by+pat+mcvey&qid=1643392440&sprefix=missing+pieces+pat+mcvey%2Caps%2C110&sr=8-1 

 

Information Most People Avoid

You may suddenly be drawn to your “to do” list or want to take a nap.  But hang in, this information may save you and your family as well as our country.

I began gathering data about rape in the 1970’s when I was working at Rutger’s University as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I included the question - have you ever been raped - on a 92 question anonymous questionnaire that was completed by over 7000 students who participated in a 28 hour workshop that I designed called The Self in Relationships. I gave it for 300 students a semester, for most of that decade and into the 80’s.

It had never occurred to me that rape was a huge problem in our country. Even though I’d worked with rape victims as a therapist. I was stunned when the results came back!!  Over 23% of the women and 14% of men revealed they had been raped! It was consistent every semester over most of a decade.  I could not believe it, so I sampled the total campus population of 25,000 and the results were virtually the same. Do the math, that’s roughly 5750 women and 3500 men.

Jon Krakauer, in his book Missoula, found that 23% of women had been raped at Missoula College, 80% by someone they knew. “When someone is raped in the USA, more than 90% of the time the rapist gets away with the crime” he wrote.

Researcher’s David Lisak, Univ. of Mass. and Paul M. Miller, Brown Univ. School of Medicine, in an in-depth study of college men, reported that of 1,882 male respondents, 120 self-reported 1225 acts of sexual violence. Forty had committed it once, while 80 had raped 1185 women. None were ever reported to authorities or were prosecuted according to these male college student.

A very large research project was completed in which there were 150,000 responders from U.of Pa; Minn; Mich; U of So. Ca., also Harvard, Yale, Princeton and others. Results ranged from 23%, the lowest; most were around 25%; several were 30%, of the women reported having been raped.

It’s not just colleges. The Women’s Foundation of Colorado, did a survey of the general female population in 2013, it revealed 23%, a total of 451,000 women were raped, and 897,000 experienced sexual violence. Also 10% of high school girls reported being raped.

It is usually believed that 90% of rape goes unreported. I believe it is closer to 100% for men; except for those men who revealed that Catholic priests raped/sexually abused them when young. Then the Catholic Church protected hundreds of priests from prosecution. See the award winning film Spotlight?

Many thought that if women were encouraged to report rape to the police, we could begin to deal with the problem.They were urged to report, and many did.

After Rape Kits were developed, women followed police instructions to go to a hospital to get a Rape kit, so the police would have the DNA, giving them a better chance of convicting the rapist. Many women who did, endured the trauma of reliving the rape as testing was done. If it was a Catholic hospital they were refused the morning after pill and abortion.

It is generally believed that about 6% of the rapists are caught and prosecuted. Then she must pay for a lawyer. If impregnated she must decide on adoption, abortion (if legal in her state), or becoming a mother; 31 states allow the rapists custody and visitation rights!

Then it was discovered that most police stations stored the Rape Kits without getting them analyzed, thousands and thousands of rape kits deteriorating in store rooms. According to the Attorney General, in 2014, over 400,000 were stored in police stations all over the country. The federal gov. offered to give the police the money they needed to have the Kits analyzed. (their excuse was they didn’t have the funds to do it)  Some did but there are still thousands in storage and going out of date every day. You have to wonder about that!

Some progress has been made. About 30 states now require that rape kits be analyzed.

You need to know:  
*Guilty white men are often found innocent, while innocent brown men are often found guilty.
*Most rapists are married with children
*Most are known to the victim and many live within a mile
*Rapists can be a: doctor, boss, policeman, family member, priest, teacher, minister, baby sitter, therapist, neighbor, senator, president
*15% of all victims are under 12 years old
*About 3% of those caught are incarcerated for a few years. then released, often more damaged than before.
*There are 170 registered sex offenders living in my quiet town of 70,000 +
* Victims aren’t chosen by looks, babies and 90 year olds have been raped
*Victims most often suffer a life time and never tell anyone
*An unknown percent are serial rapists who roam the country raping

After effects of this trauma for both women and men include:
*body injury
*serious damage to self concept
*clinical depression, often for years or a life time
*impaired social ability
*ruined or diminished career
*profound guilt (women have traditionally been blamed)
*contracting HIV and or other sexually transmitted disease
*pregnancy (if female)

Opinion: I believe that most men are not sex offenders. But almost all sex offenders are men. We need to make a concerted effort now to make sure all early childhood education includes teaching about good and bad touches; and give special attention to little boys, who at an early age are exhibiting violent behavior, even attacking their teachers. We need to fix laws that exacerbate the damage to victims and create a society that is healing for both men and women victims. We need to find the serial rapists and incarcerate them in facilities that know how to give them the therapy they need, so they can rejoin society. We need to make sure to vote for people who understand and advocate this.

If this was helpful for your understanding, share it with everyone you know, before the election.  Now would be best, the election is just days away on Nov. 6th. We have a lot of work to do to deal with this problem and the Senate and House are key to putting people in power to do it, in both parties.

Pat McVey
Retired Marriage and Family Therapist

For Teachers

      I believe there isn't a more important job in our country than being a teacher. The early grades are extremely (maybe most) important to the outcome of each child. Teachers should have far better preparation to teach than they do and be paid at least twice as much are they are. They determine the outcome of our society more than other group, except parents, and they often end up filling in for a missing parent or parents, who aren't present, or up to the task.
     I watched as my own children went through school after losing their father, they had both exceptional teachers and disastrous ones. If the principal had been alert the disastrous ones could have been avoided. When John was having nightmares and screaming “Dick and Jane” in his sleep, I went to the school and got him changed to another teacher. I learned from a colleague later that his teacher was known for screaming at the kids “all day”!
     In the many lectures I've given, I always ask how many teachers did you have who changed your life?  Most responded with one, or two. Occasionally a few had 3. Everyone appeared to immediately know what I meant and responded with seriousness.
      Teaching is an art. It is not just teaching children to read, although that is essential. It is seeing each child for who they are and helping them to use their juice to create a satisfying, productive life. I wish every child had at least five or six of those special teachers. Imagine what that would do to change our country.
     I don't know how I survived both having both inadequate schools and home. But I know that are many U S children who share my unfortunate circumstance. In addition way too many are also economically impoverished. Many children are then crippled for life by our underfunded and inadequate schools.
     We could choose to prepare teachers well and pay them so we get the cream of our colleges. They need to make enough to support their own family!  Of course we also need to have classes that aren't over crowded, so the magic that fine teachers can produce, can happen. Is there anything more important?
     I have more respect for teachers than almost any other group. Some teachers in every school I've been in are creative, nurturing, and amazing. Though most of them are unaware that they are far more important in children's lives than they have any idea. They don't give themselves enough credit for their impact on children's lives, either positively or negatively.
     In every school I've been in professionally, preschool through graduate school, there have been teachers who should have gone into another profession. I think the most important job of a principal is to hire good teachers, identify quickly those who aren't skilled enough, and encourage them to find another profession they are better suited for. The destruction on a child from a negative or poorly prepared teacher often lasts a life time.
     We are now paying far more, for not putting our teachers and schools high on our priority list. Colorado spends more on incarceration than on education!
     It was just announced that we spent 3 billion dollars for one war ship and will spend 5 billion on a wall! Is that really our priority?   

Wait A Minute!!

I  posted a blog about how Hollywood films affected my generation.

Several days later I woke up in the middle of the night saying Wait A
Minute!!!    I'm much more concerned about the media now!!

The availability of violence and impersonal sex,  twenty four/seven,
to people of all ages, is terrible.   Especially for children, who are able
to kill dozens of people before breakfast in a "game".   Films, TV, and
games are dominated by violence.

 It's all too real!   In the US 45,000 + are killed with guns every year. Compared to Japan
a country of 127 million, rarely has more than 10 gun deaths per year, the report said. 

Friends tell me that no one wants to read anything with a lot of statistics
in it.  But hang in there.   There is no other way to understand what is
happening to us.

A research study done in Co in 2013 found that an estimated 451,000
women in Colorado over 18 have been victims of rape and 897,000
have experienced sexual violence other than rape.   In addition, 10
percent of high school girls were "forced to have sex" -rape.  I think
it may be much higher than that.   About 90 percent of women don't
report rape, others report less, but it's unknowable.

Recent research of 27 University/Colleges, with 150,000 responding,
revealed a range of rape between13 percent at Cal Tech to 30 percent
at University of Michigan with an average of 23 percent at Columbia
University.   That is the result I got in years of research when I worked
at Rutgers University.  More surprising, it was 14 percent for men.

Is the media programming our society to be violent: constant war,
murder, and rape?  Looks like we are already there.....looking at it
helplessly........ hoping congress will do something.

But those in congress are supported by those who make the weapons,
films, TV content and games, in addition they are being controlled by
the National Rifle Association.

Do you think I should not have combined war, guns, and rape?   Maybe
not, but I think when you desensitize children to violence they fit together.
What do you think?

So looks like it’s up to us to do something if we want a safe society.
Vote only for those who will support gun control.  Then lets figure out
how to deal with violence in the media to protect children and everyone
else from watching constant violence!

Be Responsible for your Relationship Choice

Love sometimes makes it easier to live with some annoying habits and life styles, but it helps to reduce the number as much as you can.  Not by expecting the other person to change!!!   But by carefully gathering information and choosing what you can live with.    

Approach the discussion from the point of view that NOTHING is “right” or “wrong”, it just IS.   You are going to try to reduce friction and frustration by knowing in advance and choosing it.   Believe me, everyone assumes that the way they are is “normal and right”. 

Add and edit the list to make it fit you.  Circle your non-negotiables.    It’s easier to tell the truth if you individually answer the questions on paper, then share them.   Don’t wait until the night before the wedding!!

Possible issues
*Pets?  Dogs, cats, other:  Indoors or outdoors, who will feed, walk, shampoo, take to the Vet, and clean up after?  

*Neatnick or relaxed (disorganized), best to go into detail.   How clean do you like to live…in the house/apt, car, yard.   Who will do the work, how often?  

*Talking.  Do you tend to share?  Talk a lot?  Prefer silence?

*How important is food?  Favorite food?   When to eat?  Who cooks?  Who cleans up?  How important in the budget?

*Children?   How many.   Do you believe in handing down strict rules or would you be more likely to combine rules with  talking  stuff over.   Abortion if things go wrong?   Contraceptive, who, what?  Children from previous relationship will be what part of this relationship?  How often and how do you like to spend time with parents, siblings and other relatives?

*Spender or saver?   How do you tend to do that?   Do you invest part of your income every month.   Do you budget the rest.   Do you contribute regularly, to what?  Who is going to handle the income?   How much debt do you have now?   How much saved?   What assets?   Are you supporting anyone else?     Who will you leave assets to?

*Want to rent or own?   City or rural?   How do you like to vacation?

*How do you relax?  With others or alone?  Noisy or quiet?   Sports or theater etc?   Favorite music?  All the time or occasionally.   TV, what and how much?   Read, what and how much.   How much alone time do you need, in what way?  

* To what extent can you make a commitment to a caring relationship?   What and how often relationships with others.   Casual friends?  Sex with others?   If you change your mind, how will it be handled.  If an uncommitted relationship, how will you protect each other from sexual transmitted
disease.

*Importance of religion and politics in your life?   How do you participate?

*Touching, constant skin hunger or don’t like being touched?   Where and how and how often in detail.  How and in what way will you communicate your desires? 

No one is a good mind reader.  But most people are willing to give and take or take turns about some things.  Hope this list will gives a basis for discussion.

We've been set up for disappointment

I don't know who teens fall in love with today, but I'd bet they are movie or singing stars.  In my day it was Robert Redford, Jimmy Stewart, Paul Newman, Spencer Tracy;  Frank Sinatra's singing was my favorite, but he didn't make it on the macho scale.

It had to do with how they looked and behaved on film, and it never goes away.  That tall, strong, silent handsome man is still the standard creating heart throbs after 75 years of learning that no man is really like that, not even them.  They were great actors who gave us a dream that wasn't real.  And we used it to measure all men.   

There is no way to reprogram that!!  A life time of watching their films where, after for all the world it felt like "if I wait long enough, hunt relentlessly, I'll find that man." And it was so real that it didn't occur to me that if I found him, he would not choose me.   He would choose Marilyn Monroe!!  Because it happened to men too!

They seem even more hooked than women are. They are so programmed to seek beautiful women that they even ditch their wife and children to marry a younger more beautiful one, sometimes on into their dotage.  As long as they are beautiful nothing else seems to matter. They can't give up their fantasies either.  Is that why porn is so popular?  I'd bet my bottom dollar!

Both men and women cheated themselves by falling for the Hollywood view of relationships.   We fell for it hook, line and sinker and looked for a fantasy for a partner in life. The lucky ones didn't believe it, and were able to select well, and enjoy their partner without yearning for an air brushed Hollywood fantasy.  I hope Hollywood does better for the next generation.

If I were to choose now, I'd look for a companion who is sweet and giving with a good sense of humor; someone who enjoys great art, theater, and gardening.  A guy who loves to be at home but likes an exciting world trip for vacations.  He reads a lot and knows what's going on in the world, who still believes he can make the world better, and puts energy and creativity into his ideas.  A person who keeps up with how to live, eat, and cook so that he keeps himself healthy and vibrant.  A person who enjoys people from a wide variety of cultures and experiences.  A person who has projects and enthusiasms, and finds great joy in life. And talks to me about it all.  But not all the time, I need lots of quiet time. I'd settle for part of that. I want a lot!!

None of that has anything to do with tall, handsome and macho.  If I could go round again, I'd give up the Hollywood view so that I could match my physical responses and desires to who I am.  If we weren't sold an unrealistic fantasy from an early age would we be more content in marriage?  Would we make wiser choices  and look for a person who has many qualities we admire. Would we be more realistic about what marriage has to offer?  
I'd bet my bottom dollar!

You Are Responsible for Protecting Yourself

This post is mostly for the person leaving home for the first time.  

Since it's fall and I worked at a University for many years in the Counseling Center, I find myself thinking of things all students need to know when leaving home for the first time. Also, as hard as I tried to make sure my own children were prepared, I goofed up.  I recall one daughter telling later about her 1st day at Cornell when she finally sat down on a curb in despair because she couldn't figure out how to put her money in a bank. 

It's really hard if you have to learn everything by making mistakes. Everyone has a trail of those behind them. The trick is to make sure you learn as much as you can before you leave home. It will reduce a lot of stress if you arrive knowing how to do your own laundry, make a bed, organize your stuff into small spaces, cook some basics, and are good at saying how you feel and what you want.  And, of course you need to know how to manage your time and your money.   

I remember one student whose mother moved him into his room at the University. She hung frilly curtains, and filled all the drawers and the closet with his clothes neatly, and made his bed with a bed spread that matched the curtains.  When the room mate arrived there wasn't a bit of space left or an opportunity for joint decisions. That kind of night mare happens!!   One liners like "guess you thought you were going to have a single room, what did you think that other bed was for?" probably won't work. So learn how to problem solve before you get there, and how to say what you need and want very clearly. And of course you also need to know how to find out what others want and how to share.

There were always kids every year who had to talk to their mother on the phone every day at least once, and went home every week-end. I suspected that it was more than just having their mom wash their clothes.  Most of those kids didn't make it past the 1st semester. Try to work on independence slowly in high school so you and your parents work up to separation.
 
But there are other areas that are more serious that young men and women need to be prepared for.   And that includes protecting yourself from sexual predators. Read my blog posted on August 24th, it will give you very important information about sexual assault. But it isn't just other students you need to be aware of, it's everyone. First of all trust your own antenna, it will clue you if you listen and trust it. It's the same antenna you used as a little kid that helped you know who you could go to to ask questions about sex.

Most people are there to help you without expecting anything in return, but there is a small percent of people at every level, no matter where you go, that can't be trusted. Learn to listen to your intuition and be prepared with an emergency number on your cell phone, don't hesitate to call for help if you realize you may not be safe. Campus police are usually very responsive.

It would be wise to avoid parties and bars without a posse of trusted friends with you. DO NOT drink or take drugs at parties given by male social groups. One of the current methods of easy assault is to drop a knock out pill into your drink. The other is to accurately assess when you've had a little too much alcohol or drugs so you can no longer defend yourself.

Don't give up when the going is tough, face your fears, and learn how to be smart about protecting yourself. There are always good generous people ready to help you. But if you make a mistake, which we all do, learn from it.  If your bad feelings don't go away within a few days, find a good counselor.  The services are free at all Colleges and Universities counseling centers.

I did not think I would have to deal with empty nest syndrome. I had a very full professional life with challenging, creative work. But when my son, my last child to leave, was ready to go out the door, I panicked. I wanted to throw my arms around his legs and beg him not to go. Of course I hid those feeling, but I now have no doubt about the pain of empty nest syndrome.