The Double Bind

The Double Bind for Women became clear to me one day when I was working at Rutgers.  I was putting up a large contraceptive exhibit when a student wandered in and hoisted herself up on one of the tables where I had put a lot of pamphlets on different contraceptives.   She watched me for a while then I noticed that she was surreptitiously trying to read a pamphlet lying on the table.   I eventually wondered over and said "you can have that if you want".   She jumped off the table and said "Oh No!  I'm not interested, I'm Catholic" and ran down the hall.

Many women are handicapped by a double message that puts them in a psychological double bind.   There are two very strong opposing messages in our society.   Check in with yourself now to see if you are caught by either one.  Sometimes they linger in the place where you store shame.

One is communicated by the media that surrounds us everywhere and gives the message that -to catch the good life, you should look gorgeous and sexually appealing with perfect skin, hair, and bodies; it is more important than anything else to be sexually appealing… so spend your time, thought, and money shopping and tending your appearance.

The other strong message is that sex is a NO NO, don't even think about it.  This is a message communicated most strongly when parents never talk about it.

The question is: should you choose the looking sexy option or should you listen to the No No's as dictated by church and parents…don't see, feel or think about sex?  This double bind is very powerful for women and affects them in many ways. The down side is that women sacrifice an important part of themselves no matter which choice they make.

If your mother (parents) think they are protecting you by pretending you aren't a sexual being, you need to let them know, very carefully and gently, "that won't work today"  (I doubt if it ever did).  Gently let them know that you need to have information about your body in order to develop a healthy self image and to protect yourself.  Guilt and shame will prevent you from doing a good job of either of those.  

You could invite your mother to accompany you to the gynecologist!  But remember, you are looking for a win win, not the 3rd world war, tread carefully.  In her heart she will probably be so relieved, she really doesn't want you to be vulnerable to all the things she is afraid of. That may or may not help her.  Just keep trying very gently. She is the only mother you get.

If you choose the SEXY option, you might actually believe that there is gold at the end of that rainbow. . . that is sure what the media is selling!!  It may be true for a very very few women….for a while.  But women's appearance has a short shelf life.  Then you need to have other things you are passionate about, like a career, children….. global warming.  

It's good to get a running start at that early in your life, though what ever you have left will also work.  Your goal is to become your best self.  Figuring out what your interests and strengths are, your talents, passions, and values--all of that will develop into your self concept, who you are.  You can begin very young, and it takes as long as it takes, and often changes as you get older, so hang loose.  This is the only life you get.  It can be much more rewarding if you diversify.  

A silent epidemic is threatening our society

As a Marriage and Family Therapist for 30 years,  I am totally convinced that both men and women yearn for a partner with whom they can share their lives.  They want more than anything to be loved for who they are, and love another equally, I think.

That goal will become more and more elusive if the present trend of  sexual violence continues.  Sexual violence has become part of the norm in this country and now represents a mental health, medical, and legal crisis, that threatens loving intimate relationships as well of the health of our entire society. 

Data from the Women's Foundation of Colorado's 2013 report revealed that, of women over 18, one in four (an estimated 415,000 women) had been raped.  Almost twice that many (870,000) experienced sexual violence other than rape, and 10% of the High School girls reported being forced to have sex (rape).  The damage done is reaching epidemic levels across the country.  

This is made more critical because of the state of our penal system where over 3 million are incarcerated, way more than any other country.  In our justice system it happens too often that guilty white, wealthy people are found innocent when they are quilty; while black/brown poor people who are innocent are found guilty. One of every 3 black boys will end up incarcerated, equaling more blacks than were owned during slavery.

Jon Krakauer, in his book, Missoula, reported that "eighty present of victims are raped by someone they know".  A rapist can be your doctor, your boss, your clergyman/priest, your teacher, your partner, your lover, your husband, your friend or your date. The 20 percent, who are unknown to the victim, may to be composed of serial rapists who roam our country raping and brutalizing thousands and thousands of women and children.   About 3% of all rapists are caught and incarcerated for a few years and released.  There are 170 such registered sex offenders living in my little community of 70,000 in Colorado, according to the Coloradoan Newspaper. 

I'm not talking about the fumbling, scary period during the early teens when both young girls and boys are attempting to figure out how to communicate their longing and often fail to communicate clearly before they get the hang of it.  With no intention of forcing or hurting each other, they may misjudge.  That is the reason for statutory rape laws, to protect children under the age of consent. 

Too often there is a wink and nod when it becomes known that a woman is raped, which we see most clearly in male fraternities, courts, and news reports.  Like "we all know it's what a woman really wants."  Let me tell you very clearly that is not what women want any more than men want to be raped.   It is an experience that diminishes their lives, often for ever, and therefore their ability to totally share themselves in a loving relationship.

It is estimated that 54% of women do not report being raped.  I believe that because I can't remember that any of the women who have told me about their rape experience had reported it to the police.  Even more silent is male rape.  We've known about male rape in prisons and the military services, but in the research I did at Rutger's in the 70's and 80's, I was shocked when 14% of the men had been raped in a population of 25,000 undergraduates.  More research on male rape is greatly needed.

Psychological damage includes:
* seriously damaged self concept
* clinical depression, often for years
* impaired social ability
* ruined or diminished career
* profound guilt and shame (women have traditionally been blamed)
Physical results include;
* bodily injury
* contracting HIV or other sexual transmitted decease (STD's)
* pregnancy 
Then the trauma continues:
- If a person reports the rape, they are often treated with disrespect by policemen.
- They are then sent to a Hospital to have the evidence collected in a Rape Kit. That process sometimes feels like they are being raped again. 
- Then they are charged up to $2000 by the hospital. Rape Kits, and tests for STD's are often not covered by insurance.
- If it is a Catholic hospital a woman will not be given the morning after pill.
- Then the police may choose not to send the Rape Kit to be analyzed to get the DNA for a conviction, but instead they are put in a store room. According to the Attorney General in 2014 there were 400,000+  Rape Kits, not analyzed, in such store rooms in this country's police stations. Think about that!
- If the rapist is caught, which about 3% are, and it goes to trial, it is another huge trauma for a woman who can seldom convince anyone that she was forced.   
- She then has to deal with the legal costs.
- If she is impregnated she has to decide: adoption, abortion, or becoming a mother when that is the last thing she needs or wants.  Also, according to Esther Suckerman on the web,  31 states allow a rapists custody and visitation rights of the child.

- I had a opportunity to speak with a staff member from a prison for rapists, they were successfully treating them to help them heal. He said that a high percent of them had been sexually abused as children.

Equality = relationship changes

My grand mother, whom I grew up with, was born in the 1850's, that takes me very personally back to the era of Abraham Lincoln!!!  That realization was an epiphany for me.  This was the time when American women started to ask for voting rights.  They were asking to share power. They didn't get the vote until 1920.

This was the beginning of the tsunami that began to hit individuals, couples and family relationships.  A transition from the time when men owned their wives and children, and were the sole owners of all family property. They provided for their family; killed rattle snakes, bears and wolves who threatened their families.  They controlled decisions in the family, community, state and federal government.  Men built a railroad across the country in 5 years, fought 2 world wars, and settled the country.

During those 150 + years women have slowly begun to share the power. It is no wonder that there are many areas where there is still a lot of resistance, resentment, and much to learn for both men and women.  In the long run it will be a win win.

When I look at individuals, couples, and family relationships with a wide lens of this period of time I can see communication difficulties more clearly and I can be more patient.

Example
When a woman comes home from work very upset, she may want to tell her partner about it.  A male's knee jerk reaction is to fix it, that's what he has done for generations, it's in his bones.  He may tell her what she should have done, or get angry at the person who insulted her.  Or even get angry at her for her part in it.

But what she had wanted was to share her feelings, to have him just "get" what she is feeling.  So she feels disappointed.  He feels resentful and unappreciated.  And neither of them have any idea that this is some of the spin off of traditions from a male dominated society.  We are still trying to learn new skills that work better in a society where men and women are more equal. It's a process, and sometimes a very painful one.

The good news is that these are skills that can be learned.  We know that because we've already learned so much.