Schools don't have to solve enormous problems...

Schools don't have to solve enormous problems (lack of funds and not enough good teachers) before responding to the needs of children.

My last job in a 22-year career of working in schools, pre-school through University, was in the coldest, most dysfunctional school I'd ever been in. One day after observing a teacher physically abuse a 3rd grade boy in the hall, I decided to see if I do could something.  

 I asked the secretary in the main office to give me a printout of all the kids in the school who rated highest on 5 factors:  
     *Missed more than 10 days of school a year
     *Reading below grade level
     *Qualified for free lunch
     *Sent to the vice principal for behavior more than twice a year
     *Had a serious health problem.
I selected sixty-five kids at the top of the list on the printout.

Then I sent a letter to every employee from janitors to Superintendent, asking them if they wanted to be a Big Buddy to a student for one year.  Amazingly the result was close to the number of Little Buddies selected.  

I sent letters to the Little Buddies and their parents for their permission to participate. Then sent letters to the Big Buddies to welcome them, and give them the name and classroom of their Little Buddy.  I suggested that they arrange to meet once a week for an hour, in a classroom with the door open, and have fun!  I never met with anyone, they were on their own.

At the end of the year, I sent a simple note asking Big Buddies if they would like to continue another year - everyone did.  I also asked them to evaluate the experience on a simple scale, all rated it high. (The assumption I’d made turned
out to be correct: good teachers love children and crave the opportunity to be with them one on one where they can impact their lives more powerfully.)x

I then sat down with each child and had them rate having an ice cream cone on a scale of 1 to 5. They all rated it a 5.  I then asked them to rate their experience of being a Little Buddy.  They also all rated it a 5 and wanted to continue next year.

I compared the kids’ attendance records and reading scores for changes from the previous year.  I don't remember those details (it was many years ago)  but theresults were very impressive. I recall one 4th grader who went from reading at at 2nd grade level to a 4th-grade level.

Before I met with the children, the principal came to my office to apologize
because he had not had time to meet with his Little Buddy all year.  I was devastated and dreaded meeting with that little boy!  When that boy rated being a Little Buddy a 5, I said "tell me about that”.  He enthusiastically said, "Every time I saw the Principal in the hall - he smiled at me!"

I wrote a report describing the program and the results, and sent it to the Superintendent.  He didn't respond, but I suspect the superintendent wanted to
share it with other schools, since I was made the School Social Worker of the Year in the State. I observed that our school atmosphere was much warmer than it had been.

Lack of "alone time" leads to conflict!

    Many of us believe that when we fall in love, we should want to be with that person all the time. However, all people need alone time.

    Alone time is a basic need like food, and the lack of it can cause stress. It can be so distressing that we will lie, get sick, manipulate, create a fight, or explode. Then of course we get to be alone. But that price is too high. It can be flipped! 

    Examine your relationship together. Are one or both of you aware of your normal need for alone time? Have you been successful getting the alone time you need by letting your partner know? If not, you can negotiate it with each other, without resentment.

    Don't be surprised if your needs are very different from each other. That is most often the case.

    Shooting hoops alone for an hour when you arrive home from work may do it for you. Or you may need time in a room alone for several hours. The options are endless. If you work with people all day, you may be desperate for 'alone time'. Or if you work alone, you may crave company. That difference can cause havoc if not acknowledged and scheduled.

    No one can help you figure out your need, or how to meet it. You will know when you get it right because you'll feel so much better about yourself and your partner/family. Once you accomplish that, it will be easier to let each other know when you have an emergency, a desperate need for 'alone time' now!

    Or, you could be in a real miss-match, where one person wants to be with you two hours a week, while you want time together each day. Very good to know! You may want to stay friends and look for a more compatible person to be with.

Healing from a childhood abuse.

 This is the final edition of Missing Pieces! I realized, at age 70, that I had no memory of being inside my home, where I grew up, or ever being inside a school classroom. I began to write then, and have continued over the last 24 years, as one painful memory after another was remembered. It was a successful process and I am now free of those negative messages.

The second part of my book is about the programs I designed and ran over a 25 year period in public schools. The Self and Relationships Workshop that I gave at Rutgers University was taken by 7,000 college students and could be a model for all universities. The Little Buddy Program is very much needed right now with 'kids at risk' coming back to school after the depths of the pandemic. It costs nothing and is easy to administer: it had a big impact on all of the children who participated.

Missing Pieces and Blending and Re-Blending are now available to listen to on Audible! The books are also on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Missing-Pieces-Healing-Memoir-Dyslexic/dp/B09LGLN34T/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3VUQP8ZG9DCL7&keywords=missing+pieces+by+pat+mcvey&qid=1643392440&sprefix=missing+pieces+pat+mcvey%2Caps%2C110&sr=8-1 

 

Information Most People Avoid

You may suddenly be drawn to your “to do” list or want to take a nap.  But hang in, this information may save you and your family as well as our country.

I began gathering data about rape in the 1970’s when I was working at Rutger’s University as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I included the question - have you ever been raped - on a 92 question anonymous questionnaire that was completed by over 7000 students who participated in a 28 hour workshop that I designed called The Self in Relationships. I gave it for 300 students a semester, for most of that decade and into the 80’s.

It had never occurred to me that rape was a huge problem in our country. Even though I’d worked with rape victims as a therapist. I was stunned when the results came back!!  Over 23% of the women and 14% of men revealed they had been raped! It was consistent every semester over most of a decade.  I could not believe it, so I sampled the total campus population of 25,000 and the results were virtually the same. Do the math, that’s roughly 5750 women and 3500 men.

Jon Krakauer, in his book Missoula, found that 23% of women had been raped at Missoula College, 80% by someone they knew. “When someone is raped in the USA, more than 90% of the time the rapist gets away with the crime” he wrote.

Researcher’s David Lisak, Univ. of Mass. and Paul M. Miller, Brown Univ. School of Medicine, in an in-depth study of college men, reported that of 1,882 male respondents, 120 self-reported 1225 acts of sexual violence. Forty had committed it once, while 80 had raped 1185 women. None were ever reported to authorities or were prosecuted according to these male college student.

A very large research project was completed in which there were 150,000 responders from U.of Pa; Minn; Mich; U of So. Ca., also Harvard, Yale, Princeton and others. Results ranged from 23%, the lowest; most were around 25%; several were 30%, of the women reported having been raped.

It’s not just colleges. The Women’s Foundation of Colorado, did a survey of the general female population in 2013, it revealed 23%, a total of 451,000 women were raped, and 897,000 experienced sexual violence. Also 10% of high school girls reported being raped.

It is usually believed that 90% of rape goes unreported. I believe it is closer to 100% for men; except for those men who revealed that Catholic priests raped/sexually abused them when young. Then the Catholic Church protected hundreds of priests from prosecution. See the award winning film Spotlight?

Many thought that if women were encouraged to report rape to the police, we could begin to deal with the problem.They were urged to report, and many did.

After Rape Kits were developed, women followed police instructions to go to a hospital to get a Rape kit, so the police would have the DNA, giving them a better chance of convicting the rapist. Many women who did, endured the trauma of reliving the rape as testing was done. If it was a Catholic hospital they were refused the morning after pill and abortion.

It is generally believed that about 6% of the rapists are caught and prosecuted. Then she must pay for a lawyer. If impregnated she must decide on adoption, abortion (if legal in her state), or becoming a mother; 31 states allow the rapists custody and visitation rights!

Then it was discovered that most police stations stored the Rape Kits without getting them analyzed, thousands and thousands of rape kits deteriorating in store rooms. According to the Attorney General, in 2014, over 400,000 were stored in police stations all over the country. The federal gov. offered to give the police the money they needed to have the Kits analyzed. (their excuse was they didn’t have the funds to do it)  Some did but there are still thousands in storage and going out of date every day. You have to wonder about that!

Some progress has been made. About 30 states now require that rape kits be analyzed.

You need to know:  
*Guilty white men are often found innocent, while innocent brown men are often found guilty.
*Most rapists are married with children
*Most are known to the victim and many live within a mile
*Rapists can be a: doctor, boss, policeman, family member, priest, teacher, minister, baby sitter, therapist, neighbor, senator, president
*15% of all victims are under 12 years old
*About 3% of those caught are incarcerated for a few years. then released, often more damaged than before.
*There are 170 registered sex offenders living in my quiet town of 70,000 +
* Victims aren’t chosen by looks, babies and 90 year olds have been raped
*Victims most often suffer a life time and never tell anyone
*An unknown percent are serial rapists who roam the country raping

After effects of this trauma for both women and men include:
*body injury
*serious damage to self concept
*clinical depression, often for years or a life time
*impaired social ability
*ruined or diminished career
*profound guilt (women have traditionally been blamed)
*contracting HIV and or other sexually transmitted disease
*pregnancy (if female)

Opinion: I believe that most men are not sex offenders. But almost all sex offenders are men. We need to make a concerted effort now to make sure all early childhood education includes teaching about good and bad touches; and give special attention to little boys, who at an early age are exhibiting violent behavior, even attacking their teachers. We need to fix laws that exacerbate the damage to victims and create a society that is healing for both men and women victims. We need to find the serial rapists and incarcerate them in facilities that know how to give them the therapy they need, so they can rejoin society. We need to make sure to vote for people who understand and advocate this.

If this was helpful for your understanding, share it with everyone you know, before the election.  Now would be best, the election is just days away on Nov. 6th. We have a lot of work to do to deal with this problem and the Senate and House are key to putting people in power to do it, in both parties.

Pat McVey
Retired Marriage and Family Therapist

For Teachers

      I believe there isn't a more important job in our country than being a teacher. The early grades are extremely (maybe most) important to the outcome of each child. Teachers should have far better preparation to teach than they do and be paid at least twice as much are they are. They determine the outcome of our society more than other group, except parents, and they often end up filling in for a missing parent or parents, who aren't present, or up to the task.
     I watched as my own children went through school after losing their father, they had both exceptional teachers and disastrous ones. If the principal had been alert the disastrous ones could have been avoided. When John was having nightmares and screaming “Dick and Jane” in his sleep, I went to the school and got him changed to another teacher. I learned from a colleague later that his teacher was known for screaming at the kids “all day”!
     In the many lectures I've given, I always ask how many teachers did you have who changed your life?  Most responded with one, or two. Occasionally a few had 3. Everyone appeared to immediately know what I meant and responded with seriousness.
      Teaching is an art. It is not just teaching children to read, although that is essential. It is seeing each child for who they are and helping them to use their juice to create a satisfying, productive life. I wish every child had at least five or six of those special teachers. Imagine what that would do to change our country.
     I don't know how I survived both having both inadequate schools and home. But I know that are many U S children who share my unfortunate circumstance. In addition way too many are also economically impoverished. Many children are then crippled for life by our underfunded and inadequate schools.
     We could choose to prepare teachers well and pay them so we get the cream of our colleges. They need to make enough to support their own family!  Of course we also need to have classes that aren't over crowded, so the magic that fine teachers can produce, can happen. Is there anything more important?
     I have more respect for teachers than almost any other group. Some teachers in every school I've been in are creative, nurturing, and amazing. Though most of them are unaware that they are far more important in children's lives than they have any idea. They don't give themselves enough credit for their impact on children's lives, either positively or negatively.
     In every school I've been in professionally, preschool through graduate school, there have been teachers who should have gone into another profession. I think the most important job of a principal is to hire good teachers, identify quickly those who aren't skilled enough, and encourage them to find another profession they are better suited for. The destruction on a child from a negative or poorly prepared teacher often lasts a life time.
     We are now paying far more, for not putting our teachers and schools high on our priority list. Colorado spends more on incarceration than on education!
     It was just announced that we spent 3 billion dollars for one war ship and will spend 5 billion on a wall! Is that really our priority?   

Wait A Minute!!

I  posted a blog about how Hollywood films affected my generation.

Several days later I woke up in the middle of the night saying Wait A
Minute!!!    I'm much more concerned about the media now!!

The availability of violence and impersonal sex,  twenty four/seven,
to people of all ages, is terrible.   Especially for children, who are able
to kill dozens of people before breakfast in a "game".   Films, TV, and
games are dominated by violence.

 It's all too real!   In the US 45,000 + are killed with guns every year. Compared to Japan
a country of 127 million, rarely has more than 10 gun deaths per year, the report said. 

Friends tell me that no one wants to read anything with a lot of statistics
in it.  But hang in there.   There is no other way to understand what is
happening to us.

A research study done in Co in 2013 found that an estimated 451,000
women in Colorado over 18 have been victims of rape and 897,000
have experienced sexual violence other than rape.   In addition, 10
percent of high school girls were "forced to have sex" -rape.  I think
it may be much higher than that.   About 90 percent of women don't
report rape, others report less, but it's unknowable.

Recent research of 27 University/Colleges, with 150,000 responding,
revealed a range of rape between13 percent at Cal Tech to 30 percent
at University of Michigan with an average of 23 percent at Columbia
University.   That is the result I got in years of research when I worked
at Rutgers University.  More surprising, it was 14 percent for men.

Is the media programming our society to be violent: constant war,
murder, and rape?  Looks like we are already there.....looking at it
helplessly........ hoping congress will do something.

But those in congress are supported by those who make the weapons,
films, TV content and games, in addition they are being controlled by
the National Rifle Association.

Do you think I should not have combined war, guns, and rape?   Maybe
not, but I think when you desensitize children to violence they fit together.
What do you think?

So looks like it’s up to us to do something if we want a safe society.
Vote only for those who will support gun control.  Then lets figure out
how to deal with violence in the media to protect children and everyone
else from watching constant violence!

Be Responsible for your Relationship Choice

Love sometimes makes it easier to live with some annoying habits and life styles, but it helps to reduce the number as much as you can.  Not by expecting the other person to change!!!   But by carefully gathering information and choosing what you can live with.    

Approach the discussion from the point of view that NOTHING is “right” or “wrong”, it just IS.   You are going to try to reduce friction and frustration by knowing in advance and choosing it.   Believe me, everyone assumes that the way they are is “normal and right”. 

Add and edit the list to make it fit you.  Circle your non-negotiables.    It’s easier to tell the truth if you individually answer the questions on paper, then share them.   Don’t wait until the night before the wedding!!

Possible issues
*Pets?  Dogs, cats, other:  Indoors or outdoors, who will feed, walk, shampoo, take to the Vet, and clean up after?  

*Neatnick or relaxed (disorganized), best to go into detail.   How clean do you like to live…in the house/apt, car, yard.   Who will do the work, how often?  

*Talking.  Do you tend to share?  Talk a lot?  Prefer silence?

*How important is food?  Favorite food?   When to eat?  Who cooks?  Who cleans up?  How important in the budget?

*Children?   How many.   Do you believe in handing down strict rules or would you be more likely to combine rules with  talking  stuff over.   Abortion if things go wrong?   Contraceptive, who, what?  Children from previous relationship will be what part of this relationship?  How often and how do you like to spend time with parents, siblings and other relatives?

*Spender or saver?   How do you tend to do that?   Do you invest part of your income every month.   Do you budget the rest.   Do you contribute regularly, to what?  Who is going to handle the income?   How much debt do you have now?   How much saved?   What assets?   Are you supporting anyone else?     Who will you leave assets to?

*Want to rent or own?   City or rural?   How do you like to vacation?

*How do you relax?  With others or alone?  Noisy or quiet?   Sports or theater etc?   Favorite music?  All the time or occasionally.   TV, what and how much?   Read, what and how much.   How much alone time do you need, in what way?  

* To what extent can you make a commitment to a caring relationship?   What and how often relationships with others.   Casual friends?  Sex with others?   If you change your mind, how will it be handled.  If an uncommitted relationship, how will you protect each other from sexual transmitted
disease.

*Importance of religion and politics in your life?   How do you participate?

*Touching, constant skin hunger or don’t like being touched?   Where and how and how often in detail.  How and in what way will you communicate your desires? 

No one is a good mind reader.  But most people are willing to give and take or take turns about some things.  Hope this list will gives a basis for discussion.