SELF IN RELATIONSHIP WORKSHOP

I was hired as a Marriage Counselor at a University with 25,000 students. I spent a year counseling students, until I was clearer about the gaps in their knowledge about relationships. Then I designed a weekend workshop, attended by 300 students at a time every semester.  I called it THE SELF IN RELATIONSHIPS WORKSHOP.  

Student’s paid a small fee of $3.00 and filled out an anonymous questionnaire with 92 questions. Then, I had the funds to hire good speakers as well as more information about students’ knowledge gaps.  For example, did they know how babies are made, and what were their contraceptive practices?  I was surprised to find that some males didn’t know how babies were made, and many females weren't using contraceptives, one got an abortion when she got pregnant. It occurred to me to ask if they had ever been raped. I almost didn’t include the question because I didn’t think it was a major problem, but then decided to put it in. It was the most shocking result of all: 23% of women and 14 % of men had been raped (penetration of an orefice of your body without your permission.)  And that was consistent over the next decade as I gave the workshop.

I organized a small committee consisting of students, faculty, and staff. They met with me regularly and I ran all plans and problems past them.  This was in the 1970’s and ’80 at the beginning of the sexual revolution when people did not talk about sex.

I gave this workshop for the next decade to over 7000 students. We learned together!  Even though I was married with 3 children, was trained as a Marriage Therapist, with a masters from Columbia University, I was not comfortable talking about sex myself. When I was growing up I never heard the word SEX spoken out-loud, it was a big taboo to talk about.  Therefore, after deciding to do the workshop I contacted Masters and Johnson at their Institute on Human Sexuality in St. Louis, and arranged to fly out to take a week long training program. It was very effective and made a huge difference in my comfort level.

At the end of each workshop every participant filled out an anonymous questionnaire to let us know what had been most important to them and what needed improvement. So by the time I retired, the worship had slowly improved.

Here are details of the program. It is very important for the more than 70 million students in this country to have this opportunity.  The most important addition I think, is that coming parents need to protect their future kids from watching violence in the media and in their games. It’s awful for little boys to plays games in which they kill 100 people before they goes to school each day, or for girls to practice being beautiful in order to feel worth while. It starts that early!!!

For people designing a workshop today it’s very important to look at current societal problems affecting students lives and program to them.Today rape and violence are major, how to protect their future children from watching violence and sex in the media, it is very destructive to them and our society.

PROGRAM DESIGN

Presentations

Late Friday afternoon and evening
Love and Marriage in History - lecture was given by a history professor

Movie on Birth - “How Life Begins”.  This movie was made E.R. doctor.  It is beautiful and powerful.

Saturday morning
Male Sexuality - lecture given by the Chairman of the Human Sexuality Dept. at N.Y.U.

Female Sexuality - lecture given by Doctoral Student at Dept. of Human Sexuality at N.Y.U.

(The men then met alone with the male presenter and the females met with the female speaker
to give opportunity for more question and answers.)

Saturday afternoon
Panel of men on Alternate Life Styles, sharing their problems in “coming out”. (At that time we were unable to find women willing to be on the panel)

Slide Presentation - how Females learn to present themselves as attractive and desirable

Slide Presentation - how Males learn to appear strong, remote, and unfeeling.  (Today they are also taught to be VIOLENT!)

Both of these presenters had 3 slide projectors showing hundreds of snap shots of magazine and poster ads for one hours.   Then volunteers came on stage, (we turned out the lights, and gave them microphones) they talked about their feelings about the presentation.  Some men were in tears and expressed their anger for having been taught to be remote and unfeeling.  Women were astounded that their main goal was to look beautiful.

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One Hour in small Rap Groups after every presentation
Every participant was assigned to a rap group that met in private (50 classrooms) for 1 hour after each presentation with, 4 males and 4 female students and a Rap Leader.  They discussed what they got from each presentation and how they felt about it.  (Couples were not allowed to be in the same rap group.)

I found that the rap group sessions were essential, that’s where they learned to communicate feelings. I trained 50 rap leaders (graduate students) every semester.  They were as naive as the undergrads were, and as I had been.

Food services provided box lunches each day to be eaten during rap group time.

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As they left Saturday evening they were given a 3-page questionnaire that was copied from a Dating Service to define what qualities they desired in a partner.  They were instructed to fill it out and bring it with them Sunday morning.

Sunday Morning
I took the stage starting by saying that one of the female participants had shared her questionnaire with me.  I then asked all the males to stand.  “She is allergic to smoke, please sit down if you smoke.  She is a tennis player and would love a partner to share that.  If you don’t play tennis, please sit down. I never got past 5 or 6 factors before all men was sitting.  Then I asked females to stand and got the same result. My hope was that they would then know in their bones, that relationships can only work if they learn to communicate and negotiate differences.

Then I invited them to hold up their hands if they had a problem that they wanted help with. For example, one young man held up his hand and said, “I have trouble liking myself sometimes.”  As I worked with him I saw faces around the auditorium light up.  Then an angry young woman stood and said “you should not help him like himself until he is perfect!! I then worked with her. And so it went for 2 more hours.

Sunday Afternoon
The whole afternoon was spent in rap groups. I designed exercises for them to do so they could practice communicating how they feel and what they want, and then practice negotiating differences.   i.e.  what, where, how to eat; preferred air in bedroom at night; favorite ways to spend leisure time; how much time with their families; favorite home decor; touches you love and dislike; what is your favorite and least favorite music; how much alone time do you need, who will do what house work; how would you decorate your living quarters; how do you play and relax; how much alone time and where?   etc. etc.

Before they left everyone filled out an evaluation with suggestions to improve the workshop.

Exhibit on Contraception
A man from Johnson and Johnson Corp. helped me design a large exhibit called Sperm + Egg = Baby. It was 3 large connected metal panels with the major contraceptives described on the backs of the panels.  Sperm +Egg = Baby was in large colorful soft sculptures along the top rather than in words. The side panels swung forward to form a stage for a life sized man and women, wire sculptures, that stood in the center. The exhibit was placed in an empty class room with tables filled with a variety of pamphlets on contraception for students to choose from and take.