We all grow up with a list of do's and don’ts in our head. Then we choose a partner and are surprised to find that our partner didn’t grow up with the same list!! The differences in our basic expectations are not always easy to talk about. For example, eating with your mouth open, not flushing, burping, creating chaos when doing a project, not showering often.
There are so many issues that can get under our skin that may result in our withdrawing, criticizing or judging one another. This can slowly erode good feelings. I’d like to propose a way to deal with those issues.
First
Both of you need to agree to commit to at least 2 sessions before throwing in the towel. It’s hard to see the value of it for your relationship in a short time period.
Now
Select a time when you are both free for at least 3 hours. Arrange for children to be with relatives or a sitter—out of the house. Put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door and turn off your phones.
Each of you choose a private cozy spot in the house and go there with a note book and pens. Get comfortable and clear your mind of your To-Do List. Write PRIVATE on the cover of your note-book and decide where you will keep it safe. Make a pledge that you will never ever read each other’s notebook!!
Now make a list of the things your partner does that are not comfortable for you. If it makes you cringe write it down…EVERYTHING!!
When you are finished go to the living room and wait patiently for your partner. Flip a coin to see who goes first and read one thing from your list. Describe the item and your reaction to it clearly.
Example
“You eat with your mouth open very often and I find that very uncomfortable.”
Responses may range from:
“I didn’t know I do that! Thank you for telling me. I will try very hard not to do that and you can signal me if I forget”.
To
“No, I don’t!!!
If you get a response like this last one, mark the issue as unresolved in your book. Don’t discuss it further at this time. Instead select another item on your list to deal with. Continue taking turns until you each have one or two items that you will be working on.
Some time later you may both have an issue you don’t want to deal with. See if you can make a trade and both of you try to resolve your difficult issue in one session.
With time and practice you will become so skilled that the process will become smoother and easier, and there will be fewer issues to address as you whittle down your lists. However you will always have new ones to add. Don’t be surprised if one of your lists is much longer than the other one, that may change as you work together.
This is all about being creative!
Give time and space for your partner to try and resolve their own issue, don’t try to help!! Go slow, do not expect to resolve all issues at once. It is not a race. When we spend 20 or 30 years doing something one way, it is hard to do it differently. Be patient with each other! Give lots of time and space. Observe without comment, then put the issue back on your list and bring it up at a future session if you see no progress.
The End of Each Session
- Tell your partner something you admire about them.
- Now tell them something they did that you appreciated this month.
- Spend the rest of your privacy time having fun together.
Put your next session in your date books.
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If you have decided this is not for you
Be aware of what you do instead of doing the exercises,
such as—nag—hold grudges—withdraw—build anger—feel depressed—judge—or withhold love.
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Managing All the Big Stuff
This is a once a-year session to do after the others sessions are comfortable.
Go back to your cozy private places with your notebooks and 3 colored pencils. Make a new section in your note-book and label it “The Big Stuff”. Relax and get comfortable. Make a list of all things that need management in your home and family life. When you finish, join your partner at a table. Combine your lists so you end up with one complete list. Now both of you check each item with colored pencils:
1. Like doing, 2. Don't like doing, 3. Feel ill equipped to do
Now divide all the jobs so that you each have about the same number in each category. You will get some jobs you hate, some you like, and some you have to learn.
At the end of a year do it again, dividing the tasks differently. That way you both will eventually become skilled in each category. There may be a time when you will have to carry the whole load for a while. It’s much better to feel competent for emergencies. You may also appreciate each other more. Don’t be afraid to hire someone to help you when you need it. (They can also be good teachers and helpers in an emergency.)
If you have children, start early to make a category for each of them, so that by the time they leave home they know how to take care of themselves. Start a small allowance early so they learn to deal with money.
Some ideas of what to include. (besides childcare and jobs) Income (budgeting, bill paying); Living Quarters (decorating, cleaning, caring for); Transportation (caring for cars): Food (planning, buying, cooking, clean up); Yard (planning, planting, caring for); Vacations (where, when, how); Talking and visiting time; Giving/Donating (money and time outside the family); Larger family activities; Relaxing and playing; Monitor sound and temperature in home/car.
Make sure that you both get about the same amount of work. Grade each task for time and energy. A given task may require a different level of time and energy for one of you than for the other, this becomes part of the negotiation. Optimum love making (hire a good licensed sex therapist if needed)
Add your own items to make this fit your family. Decide when you will up-date this plan. Put it in your date books.
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