If we discovered that every fourth girl and every sixth boy born in this country is destined to get a virus that will diminish their whole life in many ways, what would you do?
According to extensive research by RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network), as of 2022, 463,634 people are raped every year In this country. On May 23, 2023 it was reported that “More than 450 Catholic clergy in Illinois sexually abused nearly 2,000 children since 1950. The state’s attorney general found in an investigation released Tuesday, revealing that the problem was far worse than the church had let on.” In addition to the general population the Department of Defense estimates about 20,500 service members experienced sexual assault in 2018. And an estimated 80,600 inmates experience sexual violence while in prison or jail. (More than 50% of the sexual contact is between inmate and staff members.)
Once raped, you stay raped, it doesn’t go away like a virus. It lasts a life time.
Though it’s different for each person, here of some of the effects.
* Depression
* Drug use
* Low self esteem
* Post-traumatic stress disorder - 94%
* Contemplate suicide - (13% attempt suicide)
* Moderate to severe distress - much more than with any other crime
* Work and/or school problems - 38%
* Dysfunctional relationships, unable to trust etc - 37%
* Risk of pregnancy
* Sexually transmitted diseases
* If victimized by family/friends, it’s much more devastating - 84%.
I became interested in the phenomenon of rape when I worked as a marriage counselor in a university with 25,000 students in the 197O’s and 80’s. I designed a workshop, given one weekend per semester to 300 students at a time; eventually 7000 students attended over a decade. Each participant completed an anonymous questionnaire in which one question was “Have you ever been raped? (penetration of an orifice of your body without your permission).” I then sampled the total student body to verify the result; 23% of females and 14% of males had been raped. I was shocked. That is almost one of every four women!
In recent years a very large research study was done that included several colleges and universities across the country. They found that 23% to 30% females had been raped. An alarming increase.
The rate of rape is slightly higher for college students than those who don’t attend college. The majority of rape victims are from 12 to 30 years old. Children below 12 are not included in any research I could find. So, there is no data below 12 years old, though there is no doubt that the effects are most traumatic and lasting for those victims. A therapist, working in a prison for rapists, told me that they had developed a therapeutic method with some success, and also found that serial rapists had been sexually abused as children.
Another important university study gave an anonymous questionnaire to a sample of male students, asking if they had ever raped. Over 1000 men said they had raped once; about 80 of those said they had raped many times; the majority had never raped. Not one of those rapists was arrested.
That tells us that most men don’t rape, a small percentage are serial rapists, and that the legal system is totally inadequate to deal with this problem. Both because the system isn’t trusted by female victims and because when they do bring someone to court, most accused rapists are not convicted (unless they are black).
Rape is far more damaging than a national virus has ever been. There is no question about the damage to raped individuals' health and ability to function up to capacity. It affects not only the person raped and what they could have contributed to our society, but it affects their family and any children they may have. In the areas of health care, mental health services, a divorce rate that hovers about 50%, the cost is huge.
After the Rape Kit was invented, I thought we could identify and convict the serial rapists. But the police stored a lot of the kits and didn’t send them to be analyzed. Their excuse was that they couldn’t afford it. Then the federal government offered to pay for them to be analyzed. But, last I knew, a there are still some stored in police departments… deteriorating. They are only viable for a limited time period.
We are clearly dealing with a contagious disease that only advances and gets worse as time goes on. The damage is so great it’s incalculable. The cost is enormous. Yet it is so horrifying that people have a hard time even thinking about it.
What can be done right now?
-Every police station should have a special “rape line” with a female officer responding.
-All courts should give special attention to rape case and prosecute all those who are guilty.
-Rapists should be separated from other prisoners and given intense therapy to heal.
-Teach children early about their bodies, and about good touches and bad touches.
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RAPE - A NATIONAL CRISIS
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SELF IN RELATIONSHIP WORKSHOP
I was hired as a Marriage Counselor at a University with 25,000 students. I spent a year counseling students, until I was clearer about the gaps in their knowledge about relationships. Then I designed a weekend workshop, attended by 300 students at a time every semester. I called it THE SELF IN RELATIONSHIPS WORKSHOP.
Student’s paid a small fee of $3.00 and filled out an anonymous questionnaire with 92 questions. Then, I had the funds to hire good speakers as well as more information about students’ knowledge gaps. For example, did they know how babies are made, and what were their contraceptive practices? I was surprised to find that some males didn’t know how babies were made, and many females weren't using contraceptives, one got an abortion when she got pregnant. It occurred to me to ask if they had ever been raped. I almost didn’t include the question because I didn’t think it was a major problem, but then decided to put it in. It was the most shocking result of all: 23% of women and 14 % of men had been raped (penetration of an orefice of your body without your permission.) And that was consistent over the next decade as I gave the workshop.
I organized a small committee consisting of students, faculty, and staff. They met with me regularly and I ran all plans and problems past them. This was in the 1970’s and ’80 at the beginning of the sexual revolution when people did not talk about sex.
I gave this workshop for the next decade to over 7000 students. We learned together! Even though I was married with 3 children, was trained as a Marriage Therapist, with a masters from Columbia University, I was not comfortable talking about sex myself. When I was growing up I never heard the word SEX spoken out-loud, it was a big taboo to talk about. Therefore, after deciding to do the workshop I contacted Masters and Johnson at their Institute on Human Sexuality in St. Louis, and arranged to fly out to take a week long training program. It was very effective and made a huge difference in my comfort level.
At the end of each workshop every participant filled out an anonymous questionnaire to let us know what had been most important to them and what needed improvement. So by the time I retired, the worship had slowly improved.
Here are details of the program. It is very important for the more than 70 million students in this country to have this opportunity. The most important addition I think, is that coming parents need to protect their future kids from watching violence in the media and in their games. It’s awful for little boys to plays games in which they kill 100 people before they goes to school each day, or for girls to practice being beautiful in order to feel worth while. It starts that early!!!
For people designing a workshop today it’s very important to look at current societal problems affecting students lives and program to them.Today rape and violence are major, how to protect their future children from watching violence and sex in the media, it is very destructive to them and our society.
PROGRAM DESIGN
Presentations
Late Friday afternoon and evening
Love and Marriage in History - lecture was given by a history professor
Movie on Birth - “How Life Begins”. This movie was made E.R. doctor. It is beautiful and powerful.
Saturday morning
Male Sexuality - lecture given by the Chairman of the Human Sexuality Dept. at N.Y.U.
Female Sexuality - lecture given by Doctoral Student at Dept. of Human Sexuality at N.Y.U.
(The men then met alone with the male presenter and the females met with the female speaker
to give opportunity for more question and answers.)
Saturday afternoon
Panel of men on Alternate Life Styles, sharing their problems in “coming out”. (At that time we were unable to find women willing to be on the panel)
Slide Presentation - how Females learn to present themselves as attractive and desirable
Slide Presentation - how Males learn to appear strong, remote, and unfeeling. (Today they are also taught to be VIOLENT!)
Both of these presenters had 3 slide projectors showing hundreds of snap shots of magazine and poster ads for one hours. Then volunteers came on stage, (we turned out the lights, and gave them microphones) they talked about their feelings about the presentation. Some men were in tears and expressed their anger for having been taught to be remote and unfeeling. Women were astounded that their main goal was to look beautiful.
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One Hour in small Rap Groups after every presentation
Every participant was assigned to a rap group that met in private (50 classrooms) for 1 hour after each presentation with, 4 males and 4 female students and a Rap Leader. They discussed what they got from each presentation and how they felt about it. (Couples were not allowed to be in the same rap group.)
I found that the rap group sessions were essential, that’s where they learned to communicate feelings. I trained 50 rap leaders (graduate students) every semester. They were as naive as the undergrads were, and as I had been.
Food services provided box lunches each day to be eaten during rap group time.
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As they left Saturday evening they were given a 3-page questionnaire that was copied from a Dating Service to define what qualities they desired in a partner. They were instructed to fill it out and bring it with them Sunday morning.
Sunday MorningI took the stage starting by saying that one of the female participants had shared her questionnaire with me. I then asked all the males to stand. “She is allergic to smoke, please sit down if you smoke. She is a tennis player and would love a partner to share that. If you don’t play tennis, please sit down. I never got past 5 or 6 factors before all men was sitting. Then I asked females to stand and got the same result. My hope was that they would then know in their bones, that relationships can only work if they learn to communicate and negotiate differences.
Then I invited them to hold up their hands if they had a problem that they wanted help with. For example, one young man held up his hand and said, “I have trouble liking myself sometimes.” As I worked with him I saw faces around the auditorium light up. Then an angry young woman stood and said “you should not help him like himself until he is perfect!! I then worked with her. And so it went for 2 more hours.
Sunday Afternoon
The whole afternoon was spent in rap groups. I designed exercises for them to do so they could practice communicating how they feel and what they want, and then practice negotiating differences. i.e. what, where, how to eat; preferred air in bedroom at night; favorite ways to spend leisure time; how much time with their families; favorite home decor; touches you love and dislike; what is your favorite and least favorite music; how much alone time do you need, who will do what house work; how would you decorate your living quarters; how do you play and relax; how much alone time and where? etc. etc.
Before they left everyone filled out an evaluation with suggestions to improve the workshop.
Exhibit on Contraception
A man from Johnson and Johnson Corp. helped me design a large exhibit called Sperm + Egg = Baby. It was 3 large connected metal panels with the major contraceptives described on the backs of the panels. Sperm +Egg = Baby was in large colorful soft sculptures along the top rather than in words. The side panels swung forward to form a stage for a life sized man and women, wire sculptures, that stood in the center. The exhibit was placed in an empty class room with tables filled with a variety of pamphlets on contraception for students to choose from and take.
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Giving At-Risk Children A Chance!! Part One
Part One
The first job I got after getting a graduate degree, I was in a school system where the Superintendent of Schools hired me to evaluate 72 of their most problematic students and find solutions.
They were mostly poor and black. “Maybe some teachers in this middle-class, white community are uncomfortable with them,” I thought. So, the first year I arranged to pay teachers to spend time with each child after school and then drive them home, once a week. They would meet the family and see how they lived. The plan failed. Half the teachers improved and half declined in comfort level.
The poverty in these families was profound! I applied for federal grants, and the Superintendent provided a wing of a school. I enrolled 50 children above 3 yrs. old, from the families of these 72 students, for an all day, year-round, preschool program. My goal was to prepare them for 1st grade, ready to succeed. They were undernourished, had rotten teeth, and lacked experience for learning to read. The next year I included the 3-year-olds, hoping to prevent the damage, and found they were in the same condition. I hired as many mothers as I could raise money for, to be teacher aides, cooks, and drivers, starting with the ones whose children were most needy. The best teachers I could find were hired, to provide rich classroom programs. Some were experienced nursery school teachers. The teachers had to be as good at demonstrating good parenting skills to mother/aides as they were at teaching the children. They observed that some aides were learning to read along with the kids. We provided transportation, breakfast- lunch-two snacks, health care, as well as many exciting learning experiences.
Each summer we had the use of that whole school building and enrolled the older siblings up to age twelve, including many from the original list of 72. They were much harder to teach, because they had not done well in school and were defensive. A friend with a swimming pool, who was supportive of our program, let us use her pool, and they learned to swim. After that success, they were more willing to take more chances learning to read, write and do math.
Each child was examined by our Doctor on site every year, with their mother present, if possible. They were also examined by our eye doctor and dentist. When the children were found to need more treatment, they were taken to the doctor’s offices.
One of several local volunteers was a blind teenager. She took the most non-verbal kids, in small groups, for walks in the woods, saying “tell me what you see”. They were eager to tell her. When they got back to the school, each child stood beside her and described their walk as she typed what they said. She then made a book A Walk in the Woods with the author’s name on the cover. Those children then learned to read from their own books in class.
One little girl, about five years old, refused to eat. Her concerned teacher tried everything she could think of and then consulted me. We talked and thought about it a long time. Finally, I suggested that she try letting her take a lunch home with her if she eats her lunch here. She then gobbled her food. She had been taking her food home for her family, who must have been very hungry.
I loved visiting classrooms. One day I asked a teacher “what’s the big bowl of soapy water with an egg beater for”? “When Sean arrives, he beats it furiously until he can calm down enough to join the class activity,” she said. Another insightful teacher asked a very shy mother aide to go the front and teach how to tell time. All the kids had made paper clocks with moveable hands. She nervously walked to the front and shyly said “put the hands at the time when we have breakfast”, they all did it quickly. “That is 8:30,” she said. “Now put the hands at the time when we have snack,” “That is 10:30.” By the time she took them through lunch and afternoon snack, they had all learned to tell time.
It is hard to learn to share and negotiate. One day I was talking to a teacher on the playground when 4-year-old Hazel came to her screaming and said, “Derek won't let me ride the tricycle!” The teacher squatted down, held her, and said “tell Derek you’d like to have a turn? “ Hazel happily skipped off. When I turned around, she had him around the throat, shaking him. We spent time and energy teaching them negotiating skills. And when they got to 1st grade, they were better at it than the other kids, according to one of their 1st grade teachers.
Continue to part two on the next blog
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Giving At-Risk Children A Chance!! Part Two
PART TWO
When one four-year-old-boy entered the program l found him so disturbed that I didn’t think we could take him. I had never seen a child with such a severe problem. He hit, kicked, spit at, or bit, anyone who came near him. But his teacher did not want to give up on him. She gave him a secured corner of the class room. After noticing he was fond of a red truck she put toys and food in the truck and pushed the truck toward him. I have a wonderful picture of him sitting on her lap smiling, which I took about a year later. A home visit found his aunt who had custody of him, she picked vegetables on a farm. She had no one to look after him and shut him in a closet while she worked, to keep him safe. I felt sure that if that teacher had not insisted on keeping him, he would have ended up in an institution.
The mother first selected as an aide was a 28 years old with 8 children. The four oldest were in special ed classes in school. She couldn’t participate unless we took her toddler. The child wasn’t walking so a crib found. She couldn’t hold her bottle or roll over, and cried all day. I placed the mother as the nurse's assistant, because I didn’t think she would do well in a classroom. But I couldn’t stand listening to the child crying and found a good nursery for her, wondering if there was some kind of inherited retardation in this family.
When I visited the little girl several months later, to my shock she was standing at a low table, putting a puzzle together! A home visit was made. The mother came to the door with a thick leather strap around her neck that was about 6 ft. long. That’s how she apparently controlled all her kids. Once we found a cause of the children's retarded development, we gave the mother more opportunities to learn parenting skills. In the next two years her 4 older kids were retested and put in regular classrooms in school. She eventually bought an old car with the money she made in our program, got her teeth fixed, and got a job. Her kids were all behaving more like those in their age groups.
Visiting with one of the gentle older mothers, who also had 8 kids, I asked if she was planning to have more children. She said, “No, I had a dream that I wouldn’t”. Planned Parenthood was invited to come for two sessions with the mothers and their oldest girls to teach contraceptive methods. I could hear them from my office having a marvelous time.
A talented woman was hired as food service director in the summers. She was a professor of Home Economics at Douglas College and was a marvelous trainer for the 4 mothers placed in the kitchen as cooks. On the first day they learned to use all the big equipment in the school kitchen and served breakfast and lunch to 250 students and staff. I bought 4 rebuilt, table top sewing machines for $10 each, a pile of cloth on sale, and put it all in an empty room next to the kitchen. She then taught them to sew during their breaks and they bought the machines at the end of the summer.
Two black High School drama teachers were hired as classroom teachers. They were very successful with the older kids. One day they announced to all the older kids that they were going on a very long journey, and had kids lay on the floor and close their eyes. They dramatically told the story about their ancestors, who had been kidnapped from their villages in Africa. They were then forced to walk many miles through the jungle in chains, and were held in a prison on a coast. Later they were boarded on ships and were chained to the floor of a lower deck, and endured the long turbulent journey to America.
When they arrived, they were each put on an auction block, often nude, and sold to the highest bidder. Their lives in the south, from then on, were spent working in the fields for very long hours in the hot southern sun. They were often tied to a stake and whipped, and sometimes killed for small infractions. Some women were raped by the owners. Those who survived this inhuman treatment, held their families together the best they could from 1619 to 1865, when the war between the southern states and the northern states ended slavery. Over the next decades after the north won that war, black people were given the right to vote, own property, and get an education.
The drama teachers described how, over the next century, black people became outstanding doctors, educators, scientists, and succeeded in many professions. Some provided moral leadership not only in this country, but in the whole world. However, In spite of this success, distrust and discrimination still plagues our country and diminishes the health of our democracy for everyone. That is the outline of the journey which took a long time, with a lot of detail. As I watched the children laying on the floor, I worried about the effect it was having, It is such a long, grim and painful story of their past. But those two teachers knew what they were doing and afterward, those kids all stood taller with more self-confidence.
In the summer program, a boy who had been one of the original, and had thrown a chair at his teacher, was found, by the eye doctor to have a very serious vision problem. Once found, it was successfully treated. Several years after the program closed, I saw his mother in the super market and she told me that he had done very well in high school, and had been chosen by the famous New York City based Alvin Alley Dance Co. to be a summer intern. That mother became such a good teacher aide that after 5 years in our program, she competed successfully for a job as an aide in a regular school class room.
After Nixon became president, all of the Federal Funds changed to benefit those with “educational” deficits, and our funding disappeared. I went to Washington to see if I could get appointments with Congressmen to convince them that it is much less expensive and more effective to treat problems at an early age. I failed to find anyone interested. Both ETS and a Sociology Professor at Princeton University participated in evaluating the results of our Program.
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This program improved school for everyone in this system over the following years.
You can imagine the chaos and strain those 72 kids had put on that whole school system!
As a result of this program, In the following year there was:
Far less stress on all class room teachers and other staff.
Improved opportunity for attention and learning for all children in classrooms.
A reduced need for special teachers, money saved. ETC.
The problems in schools today are far worse, since prices for food, rent, and health care are so high, many more people are falling into poverty, and then the virus hit! The added stress and violence is so high in schools that many teachers are retiring early and others leaving the profession. In addition it’s harder to find new qualified teachers.
There could be a program like this in every community in the country! You can quickly find the needy preschoolers by identifying their siblings in school who aren’t doing well. It is expensive in the short run, but improves the effectiveness and functioning of the whole system.
It’s time to make “healing” a goal for schools, police departments, and prisons, as well as U. S. Congress, as they do their jobs. We need to prevent further damage from being inflicted. Our country has a history of discrimination and violence, that is getting much worse. If we don’t change that, we may lose our democracy. What could be a more important?
Post Script
I am dyslexic, and my mother, a teacher, was embarrassed that I couldn’t read, and lamented out loud, “how could I have a dumb kid like you!”? So I learned to hide as I went through schools. As a result I don’t remember ever being in a classroom K through Grad. School at Columbia, it was very painful! However, Miss Rose related to me in 6th grade, and I then developed sensitivity and creativity, and found that I could identify problems and find creative ways to solve them.
After I married and had children my husband taught me to read and write. I’ve been an avid reader since then. When he died at 32 years old, I became the bread winner. I frankly knew next to nothing about education when I took this job. But I could spot a good teacher and I hired an outstanding staff. Then we all listened, watched and as we worked together we learned from everyone and we created a very warm, healing school.
I’ll be forever grateful to my kids Cris and John for reading, editing, and making recommendations for the clarity of this entry.
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Schools don't have to solve enormous problems...
Schools don't have to solve enormous problems (lack of funds and not enough good teachers) before responding to the needs of children.
My last job in a 22-year career of working in schools, pre-school through University, was in the coldest, most dysfunctional school I'd ever been in. One day after observing a teacher physically abuse a 3rd grade boy in the hall, I decided to see if I do could something.
I asked the secretary in the main office to give me a printout of all the kids in the school who rated highest on 5 factors:
*Missed more than 10 days of school a year
*Reading below grade level
*Qualified for free lunch
*Sent to the vice principal for behavior more than twice a year
*Had a serious health problem.
I selected sixty-five kids at the top of the list on the printout.
Then I sent a letter to every employee from janitors to Superintendent, asking them if they wanted to be a Big Buddy to a student for one year. Amazingly the result was close to the number of Little Buddies selected.
I sent letters to the Little Buddies and their parents for their permission to participate. Then sent letters to the Big Buddies to welcome them, and give them the name and classroom of their Little Buddy. I suggested that they arrange to meet once a week for an hour, in a classroom with the door open, and have fun! I never met with anyone, they were on their own.
At the end of the year, I sent a simple note asking Big Buddies if they would like to continue another year - everyone did. I also asked them to evaluate the experience on a simple scale, all rated it high. (The assumption I’d made turned
out to be correct: good teachers love children and crave the opportunity to be with them one on one where they can impact their lives more powerfully.)x
I then sat down with each child and had them rate having an ice cream cone on a scale of 1 to 5. They all rated it a 5. I then asked them to rate their experience of being a Little Buddy. They also all rated it a 5 and wanted to continue next year.
I compared the kids’ attendance records and reading scores for changes from the previous year. I don't remember those details (it was many years ago) but theresults were very impressive. I recall one 4th grader who went from reading at at 2nd grade level to a 4th-grade level.
Before I met with the children, the principal came to my office to apologize
because he had not had time to meet with his Little Buddy all year. I was devastated and dreaded meeting with that little boy! When that boy rated being a Little Buddy a 5, I said "tell me about that”. He enthusiastically said, "Every time I saw the Principal in the hall - he smiled at me!"
I wrote a report describing the program and the results, and sent it to the Superintendent. He didn't respond, but I suspect the superintendent wanted to
share it with other schools, since I was made the School Social Worker of the Year in the State. I observed that our school atmosphere was much warmer than it had been.
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Lack of "alone time" leads to conflict!
Many of us believe that when we fall in love, we should want to be with that person all the time. However, all people need alone time.
Alone time is a basic need like food, and the lack of it can cause stress. It can be so distressing that we will lie, get sick, manipulate, create a fight, or explode. Then of course we get to be alone. But that price is too high. It can be flipped!
Examine your relationship together. Are one or both of you aware of your normal need for alone time? Have you been successful getting the alone time you need by letting your partner know? If not, you can negotiate it with each other, without resentment.
Don't be surprised if your needs are very different from each other. That is most often the case.
Shooting hoops alone for an hour when you arrive home from work may do it for you. Or you may need time in a room alone for several hours. The options are endless. If you work with people all day, you may be desperate for 'alone time'. Or if you work alone, you may crave company. That difference can cause havoc if not acknowledged and scheduled.
No one can help you figure out your need, or how to meet it. You will know when you get it right because you'll feel so much better about yourself and your partner/family. Once you accomplish that, it will be easier to let each other know when you have an emergency, a desperate need for 'alone time' now!
Or, you could be in a real miss-match, where one person wants to be with you two hours a week, while you want time together each day. Very good to know! You may want to stay friends and look for a more compatible person to be with.
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Healing from a childhood abuse.
This is the final edition of Missing Pieces! I
realized, at age 70, that I had no memory of being
inside my home, where I grew up, or ever being
inside a school classroom. I began to write then, and have continued over the
last 24 years, as one painful memory after another was remembered. It was a successful process and I am now free of those negative messages.
The second part of my book is about the programs I designed and ran over a 25 year period in public schools. The Self and Relationships Workshop that I gave at Rutgers University was taken by 7,000 college students and could be a model for all universities. The Little Buddy Program is very much needed right now with 'kids at risk' coming back to school after the depths of the pandemic. It costs nothing and is easy to administer: it had a big impact on all of the children who participated.
Missing Pieces and Blending and Re-Blending are now available to listen to on Audible! The books are also on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Missing-Pieces-Healing-Memoir-Dyslexic/dp/B09LGLN34T/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3VUQP8ZG9DCL7&keywords=missing+pieces+by+pat+mcvey&qid=1643392440&sprefix=missing+pieces+pat+mcvey%2Caps%2C110&sr=8-1
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Information Most People Avoid
You may suddenly be drawn to your “to do” list or want to take a nap. But hang in, this information may save you and your family as well as our country.
It had never occurred to me that rape was a huge problem in our country. Even though I’d worked with rape victims as a therapist. I was stunned when the results came back!! Over 23% of the women and 14% of men revealed they had been raped! It was consistent every semester over most of a decade. I could not believe it, so I sampled the total campus population of 25,000 and the results were virtually the same. Do the math, that’s roughly 5750 women and 3500 men.
Jon Krakauer, in his book Missoula, found that 23% of women had been raped at Missoula College, 80% by someone they knew. “When someone is raped in the USA, more than 90% of the time the rapist gets away with the crime” he wrote.
Researcher’s David Lisak, Univ. of Mass. and Paul M. Miller, Brown Univ. School of Medicine, in an in-depth study of college men, reported that of 1,882 male respondents, 120 self-reported 1225 acts of sexual violence. Forty had committed it once, while 80 had raped 1185 women. None were ever reported to authorities or were prosecuted according to these male college student.
A very large research project was completed in which there were 150,000 responders from U.of Pa; Minn; Mich; U of So. Ca., also Harvard, Yale, Princeton and others. Results ranged from 23%, the lowest; most were around 25%; several were 30%, of the women reported having been raped.
It’s not just colleges. The Women’s Foundation of Colorado, did a survey of the general female population in 2013, it revealed 23%, a total of 451,000 women were raped, and 897,000 experienced sexual violence. Also 10% of high school girls reported being raped.
It is usually believed that 90% of rape goes unreported. I believe it is closer to 100% for men; except for those men who revealed that Catholic priests raped/sexually abused them when young. Then the Catholic Church protected hundreds of priests from prosecution. See the award winning film Spotlight?
Many thought that if women were encouraged to report rape to the police, we could begin to deal with the problem.They were urged to report, and many did.
After Rape Kits were developed, women followed police instructions to go to a hospital to get a Rape kit, so the police would have the DNA, giving them a better chance of convicting the rapist. Many women who did, endured the trauma of reliving the rape as testing was done. If it was a Catholic hospital they were refused the morning after pill and abortion.
It is generally believed that about 6% of the rapists are caught and prosecuted. Then she must pay for a lawyer. If impregnated she must decide on adoption, abortion (if legal in her state), or becoming a mother; 31 states allow the rapists custody and visitation rights!
Then it was discovered that most police stations stored the Rape Kits without getting them analyzed, thousands and thousands of rape kits deteriorating in store rooms. According to the Attorney General, in 2014, over 400,000 were stored in police stations all over the country. The federal gov. offered to give the police the money they needed to have the Kits analyzed. (their excuse was they didn’t have the funds to do it) Some did but there are still thousands in storage and going out of date every day. You have to wonder about that!
Some progress has been made. About 30 states now require that rape kits be analyzed.
You need to know:
*Guilty white men are often found innocent, while innocent brown men are often found guilty.
*Most rapists are married with children
*Most are known to the victim and many live within a mile
*Rapists can be a: doctor, boss, policeman, family member, priest, teacher, minister, baby sitter, therapist, neighbor, senator, president
*15% of all victims are under 12 years old
*About 3% of those caught are incarcerated for a few years. then released, often more damaged than before.
*There are 170 registered sex offenders living in my quiet town of 70,000 +
* Victims aren’t chosen by looks, babies and 90 year olds have been raped
*Victims most often suffer a life time and never tell anyone
*An unknown percent are serial rapists who roam the country raping
After effects of this trauma for both women and men include:
*body injury
*serious damage to self concept
*clinical depression, often for years or a life time
*impaired social ability
*ruined or diminished career
*profound guilt (women have traditionally been blamed)
*contracting HIV and or other sexually transmitted disease
*pregnancy (if female)
Opinion: I believe that most men are not sex offenders. But almost all sex offenders are men. We need to make a concerted effort now to make sure all early childhood education includes teaching about good and bad touches; and give special attention to little boys, who at an early age are exhibiting violent behavior, even attacking their teachers. We need to fix laws that exacerbate the damage to victims and create a society that is healing for both men and women victims. We need to find the serial rapists and incarcerate them in facilities that know how to give them the therapy they need, so they can rejoin society. We need to make sure to vote for people who understand and advocate this.
If this was helpful for your understanding, share it with everyone you know, before the election. Now would be best, the election is just days away on Nov. 6th. We have a lot of work to do to deal with this problem and the Senate and House are key to putting people in power to do it, in both parties.
Pat McVeyRetired Marriage and Family Therapist
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Wait A Minute!!
Several days later I woke up in the middle of the night saying Wait A
Minute!!! I'm much more concerned about the media now!!
The availability of violence and impersonal sex, twenty four/seven,
to people of all ages, is terrible. Especially for children, who are able
to kill dozens of people before breakfast in a "game". Films, TV, and
games are dominated by violence.
It's all too real! In the US 45,000 + are killed with guns every year. Compared to Japan
a country of 127 million, rarely has more than 10 gun deaths per year, the report said.
Friends tell me that no one wants to read anything with a lot of statistics
in it. But hang in there. There is no other way to understand what is
happening to us.
A research study done in Co in 2013 found that an estimated 451,000
women in Colorado over 18 have been victims of rape and 897,000
have experienced sexual violence other than rape. In addition, 10
percent of high school girls were "forced to have sex" -rape. I think
it may be much higher than that. About 90 percent of women don't
report rape, others report less, but it's unknowable.
Recent research of 27 University/Colleges, with 150,000 responding,
revealed a range of rape between13 percent at Cal Tech to 30 percent
at University of Michigan with an average of 23 percent at Columbia
University. That is the result I got in years of research when I worked
at Rutgers University. More surprising, it was 14 percent for men.
Is the media programming our society to be violent: constant war,
murder, and rape? Looks like we are already there.....looking at it
helplessly........ hoping congress will do something.
But those in congress are supported by those who make the weapons,
films, TV content and games, in addition they are being controlled by
the National Rifle Association.
Do you think I should not have combined war, guns, and rape? Maybe
not, but I think when you desensitize children to violence they fit together.
What do you think?
So looks like it’s up to us to do something if we want a safe society.
Vote only for those who will support gun control. Then lets figure out
how to deal with violence in the media to protect children and everyone
else from watching constant violence!
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Be Responsible for your Relationship Choice
Approach the discussion from the point of view that NOTHING is “right” or “wrong”, it just IS. You are going to try to reduce friction and frustration by knowing in advance and choosing it. Believe me, everyone assumes that the way they are is “normal and right”.
Add and edit the list to make it fit you. Circle your non-negotiables. It’s easier to tell the truth if you individually answer the questions on paper, then share them. Don’t wait until the night before the wedding!!
Possible issues
*Pets? Dogs, cats, other: Indoors or outdoors, who will feed, walk, shampoo, take to the Vet, and clean up after?
*Neatnick or relaxed (disorganized), best to go into detail. How clean do you like to live…in the house/apt, car, yard. Who will do the work, how often?
*Talking. Do you tend to share? Talk a lot? Prefer silence?
*How important is food? Favorite food? When to eat? Who cooks? Who cleans up? How important in the budget?
*Children? How many. Do you believe in handing down strict rules or would you be more likely to combine rules with talking stuff over. Abortion if things go wrong? Contraceptive, who, what? Children from previous relationship will be what part of this relationship? How often and how do you like to spend time with parents, siblings and other relatives?
*Spender or saver? How do you tend to do that? Do you invest part of your income every month. Do you budget the rest. Do you contribute regularly, to what? Who is going to handle the income? How much debt do you have now? How much saved? What assets? Are you supporting anyone else? Who will you leave assets to?
*Want to rent or own? City or rural? How do you like to vacation?
*How do you relax? With others or alone? Noisy or quiet? Sports or theater etc? Favorite music? All the time or occasionally. TV, what and how much? Read, what and how much. How much alone time do you need, in what way?
* To what extent can you make a commitment to a caring relationship? What and how often relationships with others. Casual friends? Sex with others? If you change your mind, how will it be handled. If an uncommitted relationship, how will you protect each other from sexual transmitted
disease.
*Importance of religion and politics in your life? How do you participate?
*Touching, constant skin hunger or don’t like being touched? Where and how and how often in detail. How and in what way will you communicate your desires?
No one is a good mind reader. But most people are willing to give and take or take turns about some things. Hope this list will gives a basis for discussion.
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We've been set up for disappointment
It had to do with how they looked and behaved on film, and it never goes away. That tall, strong, silent handsome man is still the standard creating heart throbs after 75 years of learning that no man is really like that, not even them. They were great actors who gave us a dream that wasn't real. And we used it to measure all men.
There is no way to reprogram that!! A life time of watching their films where, after for all the world it felt like "if I wait long enough, hunt relentlessly, I'll find that man." And it was so real that it didn't occur to me that if I found him, he would not choose me. He would choose Marilyn Monroe!! Because it happened to men too!
They seem even more hooked than women are. They are so programmed to seek beautiful women that they even ditch their wife and children to marry a younger more beautiful one, sometimes on into their dotage. As long as they are beautiful nothing else seems to matter. They can't give up their fantasies either. Is that why porn is so popular? I'd bet my bottom dollar!
Both men and women cheated themselves by falling for the Hollywood view of relationships. We fell for it hook, line and sinker and looked for a fantasy for a partner in life. The lucky ones didn't believe it, and were able to select well, and enjoy their partner without yearning for an air brushed Hollywood fantasy. I hope Hollywood does better for the next generation.
If I were to choose now, I'd look for a companion who is sweet and giving with a good sense of humor; someone who enjoys great art, theater, and gardening. A guy who loves to be at home but likes an exciting world trip for vacations. He reads a lot and knows what's going on in the world, who still believes he can make the world better, and puts energy and creativity into his ideas. A person who keeps up with how to live, eat, and cook so that he keeps himself healthy and vibrant. A person who enjoys people from a wide variety of cultures and experiences. A person who has projects and enthusiasms, and finds great joy in life. And talks to me about it all. But not all the time, I need lots of quiet time. I'd settle for part of that. I want a lot!!
None of that has anything to do with tall, handsome and macho. If I could go round again, I'd give up the Hollywood view so that I could match my physical responses and desires to who I am. If we weren't sold an unrealistic fantasy from an early age would we be more content in marriage? Would we make wiser choices and look for a person who has many qualities we admire. Would we be more realistic about what marriage has to offer?
I'd bet my bottom dollar!
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You Are Responsible for Protecting Yourself
Since it's fall and I worked at a University for many years in the Counseling Center, I find myself thinking of things all students need to know when leaving home for the first time. Also, as hard as I tried to make sure my own children were prepared, I goofed up. I recall one daughter telling later about her 1st day at Cornell when she finally sat down on a curb in despair because she couldn't figure out how to put her money in a bank.
It's really hard if you have to learn everything by making mistakes. Everyone has a trail of those behind them. The trick is to make sure you learn as much as you can before you leave home. It will reduce a lot of stress if you arrive knowing how to do your own laundry, make a bed, organize your stuff into small spaces, cook some basics, and are good at saying how you feel and what you want. And, of course you need to know how to manage your time and your money.
I remember one student whose mother moved him into his room at the University. She hung frilly curtains, and filled all the drawers and the closet with his clothes neatly, and made his bed with a bed spread that matched the curtains. When the room mate arrived there wasn't a bit of space left or an opportunity for joint decisions. That kind of night mare happens!! One liners like "guess you thought you were going to have a single room, what did you think that other bed was for?" probably won't work. So learn how to problem solve before you get there, and how to say what you need and want very clearly. And of course you also need to know how to find out what others want and how to share.
There were always kids every year who had to talk to their mother on the phone every day at least once, and went home every week-end. I suspected that it was more than just having their mom wash their clothes. Most of those kids didn't make it past the 1st semester. Try to work on independence slowly in high school so you and your parents work up to separation.
But there are other areas that are more serious that young men and women need to be prepared for. And that includes protecting yourself from sexual predators. Read my blog posted on August 24th, it will give you very important information about sexual assault. But it isn't just other students you need to be aware of, it's everyone. First of all trust your own antenna, it will clue you if you listen and trust it. It's the same antenna you used as a little kid that helped you know who you could go to to ask questions about sex.
Most people are there to help you without expecting anything in return, but there is a small percent of people at every level, no matter where you go, that can't be trusted. Learn to listen to your intuition and be prepared with an emergency number on your cell phone, don't hesitate to call for help if you realize you may not be safe. Campus police are usually very responsive.
It would be wise to avoid parties and bars without a posse of trusted friends with you. DO NOT drink or take drugs at parties given by male social groups. One of the current methods of easy assault is to drop a knock out pill into your drink. The other is to accurately assess when you've had a little too much alcohol or drugs so you can no longer defend yourself.
Don't give up when the going is tough, face your fears, and learn how to be smart about protecting yourself. There are always good generous people ready to help you. But if you make a mistake, which we all do, learn from it. If your bad feelings don't go away within a few days, find a good counselor. The services are free at all Colleges and Universities counseling centers.
I did not think I would have to deal with empty nest syndrome. I had a very full professional life with challenging, creative work. But when my son, my last child to leave, was ready to go out the door, I panicked. I wanted to throw my arms around his legs and beg him not to go. Of course I hid those feeling, but I now have no doubt about the pain of empty nest syndrome.
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Negotiating Differences
Basic to all relationships skills is that there is no right or wrong in what a person likes and dislikes, it just is. So start from that premise, it will keep you from being judgmental…that isn't easy, so struggle with it till you get it!!
The goal is to get to know the likes and dislikes of your friend/partner/or spouse. You can never eliminate all differences, nor would you want to, but it helps if you can reduce the number of times you cringe. You will be learning how to communicate feelings and preferences clearly, with words, out loud! Then you get to the critical part, negotiating the differences.
It is awkward at first, like learning to ride a bike. But once you get the knack, it will become automatic, and makes life more pleasant.
It's also scary, you may find that you have chosen the wrong person!! Good thing to know actually!!! On the other hand, if you learn these skills well you may develop a very exciting, rewarding and lasting relationship. One in which you can trust one another and live with out getting everything you want. But you'll also know your friend didn't get all they wanted either.
You do know that you will never agree about everything no matter who the partner is…don't you???
Start from the beginning, after you have mutually declared that you like each other and agree to follow these instructions.
Most partners will need and want to know what you like most, but not all at once!
And they won't want to keep stepping on your pet peeves, that feels terrible.
The last thing you want to do in a relationship, that has future possibilities, is to give them a list of things that set your teeth on edge. But your friend really needs that information! So here is a suggestion that might solve the dilemma.
Make it into a game.
When the time is right, every night/week/or month set aside 20 minutes for "share time".
*Take turns going first.
* Limit the number of shares to no more than one "what I like", and one "what I don't like".
*Do not start with personal peeves about the other person, this is a get-acquainted game to help avoid annoyances in the future. You can get to the personal stuff later, when you have both demonstrated that you can be trusted not to use the game to put the other person down or win. This is not a contest!!
Let me see how I feel about that! is the name of the game.
Write one 'pet peeve' and one 'what I just love" message. Each of you write on a separate pad of paper.
Example:
1st person
- It annoys me when someone goes outside and doesn't shut the door quickly; that lets flies, bees, and spiders in my house.
+ I love hugs and kisses.
2nd person
- It bothers me when someone doesn't do what they say they will, without telling me of a plan change.
+ I love it when someone cooks my favorite meals.
Got it?
It will be tempting to keep going. Don't do it. It is important to process what you just did. You need to know where the conflicting styles are. To do that, have each person repeat what they just heard. Take notes. You'll be surprised at how often you and your partner didn't hear or remember accurately .
Then you need to negotiate the differences. Take turns responding to each share. For example in response to "love to have someone cook my favorite meal," the partner may say "I don't cook and I don't want to learn". To which the other may say "I love to cook and I will do the cooking" or "I don't either, so lets order in and/or eat out." The reply may be, "we can't afford that, let's be on our own for breakfast and lunch, and order in or go out for dinner". "That sounds good, but we'll have to budget it carefully". etc. etc. etc.
Other possible responses to issues: "I'm really glad to know that" or "I feel exactly the same way!" or "I'm not good at that but I'm willing to learn" or "I'll try that, let me know when I forget". It doesn't feel good if someone often says "Oh, you screwed that up"! After once or twice you may be tempted to put tape over their mouth. Try a non-verbal sign.
Sometimes a solution can't be found. Just keep track of the outcome of each conflict negotiated, and don't draw any conclusions yet. You can come back to it at a later time when you get stuck.
Some things are not negotiable. If you find that you are unwilling to change, put that item on your nonnegotiable list. If that is acceptable you are home free. If, on the other hand, that is also a non-negotiable for the other person then slow down. Example; one "likes to binge drink at parties"; their partner says "that is just something I could not live with." Better take weeks or months to think and then come back to it. The drinker may have decided "to go into rehab and give it up". (see below) If not the other may say "I'll try to live with it, but every time it happens it will affect my respect for you, and it would be hard to live with you if I don't respect you."
At some point, way down the line, you will have a lot a information. You'll see how good you each are at negotiating differences, and how often you are willing to compromise creatively. And you'll know what is non-negotiable for both of you.
It's important to hold the line on your top priorities. Remember that you were chosen because of your uniqueness, your style, your way of looking at the world. Your goal is to make it possible for 2 different people to live together in relative peace and comfort most of the time. Try to respect
the big differences, they can be what makes life most delicious.
At some point, hopefully, way down the line, you may decide that this relationship has enough good stuff to keep going. And you'll find that saying what you like and don't like, with words, out loud is automatic; and negotiating the differences works well most of the time. Then life together should be fun and rewarding most of the time.
Your alternative is to suffer in silence every time your pet peeves are stepped on, become a curmudgeon or shrew, or slowly withdraw from each other. Sometimes one person suffers silently and the other one is oblivious and happy. Or both bomb out at communicating and negotiating, but are so afraid of being alone that they quietly cling to each other and become alike.
_______________________________________
*You need to know what you are dealing with when alcohol or drugs are involved. If it is a conflict, consult a specialist on addiction. Did you know that binge drinkers can be alcoholics, even if they seldom do it. Beer drinkers can also be addicted.
*The first time there is physical abuse find an anger specialist on rage management. Don't try to do that alone. It can be treated, but not by you. Do not assume it will stop, it almost never does, it escalates.
*Do not assume that since you've been together 15 or 40 years that you already know everything you need to know. You may just have more to work with!
*If your partner is not in touch with their feelings, this game will not work. If they are willing, a therapist can help them figure out why they are stuffing feelings. Expressing feelings is learn-able.
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The Double Bind
Many women are handicapped by a double message that puts them in a psychological double bind. There are two very strong opposing messages in our society. Check in with yourself now to see if you are caught by either one. Sometimes they linger in the place where you store shame.
One is communicated by the media that surrounds us everywhere and gives the message that -to catch the good life, you should look gorgeous and sexually appealing with perfect skin, hair, and bodies; it is more important than anything else to be sexually appealing… so spend your time, thought, and money shopping and tending your appearance.
The other strong message is that sex is a NO NO, don't even think about it. This is a message communicated most strongly when parents never talk about it.
The question is: should you choose the looking sexy option or should you listen to the No No's as dictated by church and parents…don't see, feel or think about sex? This double bind is very powerful for women and affects them in many ways. The down side is that women sacrifice an important part of themselves no matter which choice they make.
If your mother (parents) think they are protecting you by pretending you aren't a sexual being, you need to let them know, very carefully and gently, "that won't work today" (I doubt if it ever did). Gently let them know that you need to have information about your body in order to develop a healthy self image and to protect yourself. Guilt and shame will prevent you from doing a good job of either of those.
You could invite your mother to accompany you to the gynecologist! But remember, you are looking for a win win, not the 3rd world war, tread carefully. In her heart she will probably be so relieved, she really doesn't want you to be vulnerable to all the things she is afraid of. That may or may not help her. Just keep trying very gently. She is the only mother you get.
If you choose the SEXY option, you might actually believe that there is gold at the end of that rainbow. . . that is sure what the media is selling!! It may be true for a very very few women….for a while. But women's appearance has a short shelf life. Then you need to have other things you are passionate about, like a career, children….. global warming.
It's good to get a running start at that early in your life, though what ever you have left will also work. Your goal is to become your best self. Figuring out what your interests and strengths are, your talents, passions, and values--all of that will develop into your self concept, who you are. You can begin very young, and it takes as long as it takes, and often changes as you get older, so hang loose. This is the only life you get. It can be much more rewarding if you diversify.
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A silent epidemic is threatening our society
That goal will become more and more elusive if the present trend of sexual violence continues. Sexual violence has become part of the norm in this country and now represents a mental health, medical, and legal crisis, that threatens loving intimate relationships as well of the health of our entire society.
Data from the Women's Foundation of Colorado's 2013 report revealed that, of women over 18, one in four (an estimated 415,000 women) had been raped. Almost twice that many (870,000) experienced sexual violence other than rape, and 10% of the High School girls reported being forced to have sex (rape). The damage done is reaching epidemic levels across the country.
This is made more critical because of the state of our penal system where over 3 million are incarcerated, way more than any other country. In our justice system it happens too often that guilty white, wealthy people are found innocent when they are quilty; while black/brown poor people who are innocent are found guilty. One of every 3 black boys will end up incarcerated, equaling more blacks than were owned during slavery.
Jon Krakauer, in his book, Missoula, reported that "eighty present of victims are raped by someone they know". A rapist can be your doctor, your boss, your clergyman/priest, your teacher, your partner, your lover, your husband, your friend or your date. The 20 percent, who are unknown to the victim, may to be composed of serial rapists who roam our country raping and brutalizing thousands and thousands of women and children. About 3% of all rapists are caught and incarcerated for a few years and released. There are 170 such registered sex offenders living in my little community of 70,000 in Colorado, according to the Coloradoan Newspaper.
I'm not talking about the fumbling, scary period during the early teens when both young girls and boys are attempting to figure out how to communicate their longing and often fail to communicate clearly before they get the hang of it. With no intention of forcing or hurting each other, they may misjudge. That is the reason for statutory rape laws, to protect children under the age of consent.
Too often there is a wink and nod when it becomes known that a woman is raped, which we see most clearly in male fraternities, courts, and news reports. Like "we all know it's what a woman really wants." Let me tell you very clearly that is not what women want any more than men want to be raped. It is an experience that diminishes their lives, often for ever, and therefore their ability to totally share themselves in a loving relationship.
It is estimated that 54% of women do not report being raped. I believe that because I can't remember that any of the women who have told me about their rape experience had reported it to the police. Even more silent is male rape. We've known about male rape in prisons and the military services, but in the research I did at Rutger's in the 70's and 80's, I was shocked when 14% of the men had been raped in a population of 25,000 undergraduates. More research on male rape is greatly needed.
Psychological damage includes:
* seriously damaged self concept
* clinical depression, often for years
* impaired social ability
* ruined or diminished career
* profound guilt and shame (women have traditionally been blamed)
Physical results include;
* bodily injury
* contracting HIV or other sexual transmitted decease (STD's)
* pregnancy
Then the trauma continues:
- If a person reports the rape, they are often treated with disrespect by policemen.
- They are then sent to a Hospital to have the evidence collected in a Rape Kit. That process sometimes feels like they are being raped again.
- Then they are charged up to $2000 by the hospital. Rape Kits, and tests for STD's are often not covered by insurance.
- If it is a Catholic hospital a woman will not be given the morning after pill.
- Then the police may choose not to send the Rape Kit to be analyzed to get the DNA for a conviction, but instead they are put in a store room. According to the Attorney General in 2014 there were 400,000+ Rape Kits, not analyzed, in such store rooms in this country's police stations. Think about that!
- If the rapist is caught, which about 3% are, and it goes to trial, it is another huge trauma for a woman who can seldom convince anyone that she was forced.
- She then has to deal with the legal costs.
- If she is impregnated she has to decide: adoption, abortion, or becoming a mother when that is the last thing she needs or wants. Also, according to Esther Suckerman on the web, 31 states allow a rapists custody and visitation rights of the child.
- I had a opportunity to speak with a staff member from a prison for rapists, they were successfully treating them to help them heal. He said that a high percent of them had been sexually abused as children.